Mystic Longing

Weary

2010-09-17T03:05:00.000-07:00

It is an exhausting thing to feel like the buck always stops with you, like no matter what tasks get completed by others who help, the 'responsibility' for all of it lands firmly on you.

The question is always... is the dissatisfaction based on reality or perception. Does one discuss concerns, feelings, discontent and risk another's hurt, defense, offence or does one grin and quietly do more risking resentment? What is fair? What is right?

ala Pink Floyd

2010-04-23T11:20:00.000-07:00

"If I show you my dark side

will you still hold me tonight?

And if I open my heart to you

show you my weak side, what would you do?"

Mama Mia Mammogram

2009-09-01T14:00:00.000-07:00

I was a virgin... until today. My very first mammogram.

Can I just say....

OH
MY
GOD!!!!!

My sister said it was no big deal, didn't hurt, wasn't even that uncomfortable.

UHHHHH BULLSHIT!

and did I mention....

OH
MY
GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Breasts - at least those of any substance - are NOT made to be flattened.

Perhaps, if she stimulated the nipple, I might have been aroused enough that the pain didn't bother me! *laughing*

My question - for those of you who have, uh, ample material and have had such a test - is... how long will they ache for????

I need chocolate.

Fuck!

Where Have All the Stories Gone?

2009-08-10T13:52:00.001-07:00

No one needs to remind me what I have lost with my Parents' passing. I miss them both each and every day. So much happens in my life I wish I could share. and I ache to hear the wisdom of life lived from them again.

But it's my children who are really missing out.

I realized when I went back east for a weekend whirlwind that was my Nana's 100th birthday, that what is profoundly missing in our lives is the stories.

I listened to my Aunts and Uncles tell what I call life stories - stories of what used to be, of laughter and fear and determination, stories that remind us what really matters in a world that seems to have lost its way. I listened to the laughter, I shared the tears and I FELT the life in them - the wisdom, the mistakes, the character that carried them through the tough times, the regrets, the moments of joy that I could taste just in the way their eyes lit up. I was quieter than I usually am, I tried to be a sponge, wanted to remember all of it.

They awaken in me a wishing I had listened more carefully to the details of the stories that need to be told and retold, the ones that paint for the listener the essence of the teller and the subjects and bring us together, past present future, the humanity of family.

We are a tribe - the belonging of shared history and futures entwined. And, given the events of the last year, the fragility of it all became glaring.

It also pointed out the need to cultivate those relationships that are real and true and discard those which do not nourish - even within family!

I'm still stewing on this story thing... uh huh...

sigh of relief

2009-08-10T12:28:00.000-07:00

I have arrived at that place I was so impatient to reach.

I have finally let you go. What you think, what you want, what you feel is no longer of any concern to me.

I do not feel my body tense when your name is mentioned. When I hear of some judgement you have made of me, it doesn't... penetrate, doesn't hurt. The ache is gone.

The entire situation is no less sad, it just... IS. And what it is most... is... not mine.

*smiling*

Peace.

It's Not Working!

2009-08-05T12:17:00.000-07:00

the meditation...

ya...

not so much...

with the....

working!

*chuckling*

Morning Meditation

2009-07-27T07:39:00.000-07:00

Wise Ones, passed on before me: grant me the serenity,courage and wisdom:

to accept what IS
to deal with her with compassion and grace while still standing strong
to hold my head up without putting her out of my heart, as I am clearly out of hers
to respect my Self without making another wrong
to remain open
to let go

It is.... what it is

2009-07-24T08:35:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to just.... BE with what is.

My logical mind, my ego, is loud though huh? It wants justice, it wants to scream loudly that it isn't fair, it wants others to stand up and say "this is not right damn it!".

Why is that? Why is it that I have yet to be able to make you irrelevant? It isn't that I really care what you think. It isn't that your being absent from my life has left a void. I don't still miss you and want your friendship, I already let that go.

Is it that I've let the person go but not the hurt? What is this ache about, really?

It is a basic human condition to want to be loved and accepted. I want to be loved and accepted. I am neither loved nor accepted by you.

When we are shunned, we want to know why. I do not know what has allowed you to discard me like I was nothing. The contempt in your eyes is piercing, your inability to make eye contact for longer than a second or two is revealing, and as hurt and angry as I am, I do feel pity for you.

We want to know why because it helps us to accept the reality. Also, it's how we learn, how we assess.... What is my part? How did I contribute to this outcome? What could I have done differently? What might I choose differently next time, or not?

What is my struggle? I want to know. I want to ANSWER whatever ACCUSATIONS you have. I feel like I'm chasing a ghost. I fear being judged by people we both love based on untruths, and I want ALL of this to be out loud and in the light. I want to be held accountable for my actions and who I am - not your fears/feelings - untruths turned to fact. I want transparency.

There's that justice thing again huh?

The reality is that I may never have the opportunity to do that. The reality is that people will believe whatever they choose based on their own experience in life and with me.

Accepting or not accepting what IS does not change anything except the level of torment I'm living with. What IS simply IS. How I feel about it, how I choose to deal with it, is what determines my suffering or not.

So knowing all that intellectually, and believing it spiritually, why is it I am currently unable to let go completely?

The ego craves justice because we believe justice will help us let go - of the person, the situation, the pain. The catch? There is no way AROUND the pain - the pain.... IS. And the only way to truly let go and find peace, is to stop trying to fight what is - feel the betrayal, the fear of not being enough, the uncertainty of who will stand in the fire and who will shrink back, the ache of loss.

I have to grieve the belief I held that this is not something you would do. You have done it, are doing it. That... IS. I realize what I believed to be true of you, was not correct or is no longer true. The betrayal I feel is based on my perception that we had a mutual love and friendship for each other, since revealed to have been quite a mistaken perception. I need to learn to trust myself again.

So I'm not yet at that complete disconnect and let go place. But maybe I can be at 'I release it to be what IS without constantly trying to make it something else'. Maybe I can just BE, just notice and feel without fighting it so much, without trying with such desperation to make it something other than what it really is.

I think I've arrived at acceptance.

2009-07-20T12:06:00.000-07:00

I'm beginning to let go, I can feel it. After a year of trying to understand, trying to obtain information about why you have discarded me... I am starting to disinvest. Over time, what will happen is that I will no longer care why or what caused it. It simply will not matter... in time.

D pointed something out to me:

When your husband began acting strangely, I was there.

When you believed your husband (my brother) lied and cheated on you, I was there.

When your husband left, I was there.

When you needed help talking to your husband about your children, I was there.

When you needed someone to believe in you, I was there.

When you needed money, I gave it to you.

When your son was in the hospital, I was there.

The next time, it will not be you I am there for - my energy will be only for the children.

I will find a way to let go. because the survival of my Spirit requires it.

My Dad...

2009-06-21T07:46:00.000-07:00

had a Buddha belly, usually brown from the sun
loved to laugh and found humour all around
was as grounded a soul as I have ever known
rarely got really angry - I only remember him yelling once
loved
was open about his mistakes, genuine
did better when he knew better
taught me about integrity.... what you do when no one is looking and you know you can't get caught sill leaves you to look yourself in the mirror, leaves you knowing even if no one else does.... so make your choices with that in mind and peace will be yours
could FART! oh my god
valued simplicity in his life, was not materialistic though he did achieve a comfortable affluence
taught me that contentment is something inside and can exist if you live in a shack or a mansion
did everything in his life by... just doing it
was strong, made me feel safe
was an amazing Grandpa to my eldest (the others didn't get to know him)
taught me that laughter was a powerful thing
was loyal, compassionate, and generous
I miss him every day

I want to live fully awake

2009-06-16T14:04:00.000-07:00

from Oriah's book The Call, page 32

"Walking asleep, moving in the world disconnected from our essential core, can be dangerous; it means our choices are based not on an accurate picture of what is but on what we want or fear is true. At best, actions based on an inaccurate picture of what is are unlikely to succeed in creating the change we desire. At worst, they will create greater suffering."

and

"Beyond the obvious choices to move away from what is by using a variety of substances – food, alcohol, nicotine, drugs, caffeine – the culturally preferred way of making sure we don’t wake up is to keep ourselves perpetually exhausted with constant activity, endless work, and the consumption of overwhelming amounts of information: to DO continually."

Taking A Page...

2009-06-08T13:26:00.000-07:00

from those Dixie girls...

"I'm through with doubt
there's nothing left for me
to figure out
I've paid a price
and I'll keep paying"

What a difference a day makes!

2009-06-04T11:07:00.000-07:00

Tuesday... my car was crunched while parked on the street by my work....hit and run - fucker.

Today.. the first customers of my day... a truck full of fire fighters. Damn! Like it wasn't already HOT outside. NUMMY!!!!!

*evil grin*

My Father's Eyes

2009-06-02T11:16:00.000-07:00

Nine years and still not a day goes by I don't think of you, wish I could talk to you, ask what you think, want desperately to hug you.

Not one day.

And, I am reminded of you often by what remains... *smiling*

Little John - Kieran - is JUST LIKE YOU. . He has your dimples, your smile, the glint in your eyes. His Spirit is like you too - strong, compassionate, and damn the boy can hug. Papa, you'd be SO proud of him.

I ache for your wisdom and you are still the measure of integrity for me....What would Dad do? What would Dad say? What compassion can be found here that I'm missing? How would Dad deal with this?

And that "Man in the Mirror" thing you taught me is still how I govern my actions and what I teach the boys.

I miss you every day. I love you Papa.

Perfect Timing...

2009-06-02T10:57:00.000-07:00

My husband found me last night while we were doing different things, to share with me something he heard from Wayne Dyer:

I would rather be loathed for who I am than

loved for who I'm not

Mr. Dyer said in one sentence what I was trying to say down there in the "Faithless" post. It's his affirmation for dealing with family drama. Fascinating huh? *chuckling* It's a simple sentence, simple message. Simple isn't the same as easy, but there is a huge peace in that kind of simple truth.

I will not be someone I'm not so you are more comfortable. Deal with it.

*smiling*

2009-05-24T08:03:00.000-07:00

It's a strange thing to be faced with an attack on character, based not on fact, but on a feeling.

My very best friends are those who can call a great big BULLSHIT when required. I need that. I'm ...uhmmm... a rather strong individual, kinda passionate about my views... I need people around me who don't get bowled over, who get up in my face when necessary.

I listen, I assess, I determine if perhaps I need to suck back and reload, or if I'm still convinced of my position. I like debate, I want to be challenged. But regardless, my heart intends help not hurt.

When you are disparaged, when your person is attacked and hear through a third party that someone who claims to love you has an issue with you but doesn't value the relationship enough to say something to you, it's tough to put in perspective huh?

Attacks on character can shake you. Indirect attacks are harder still. I went through a questioning time, where I didn't trust my instincts, my perceptions.

My integrity was in question, my intentions... and it required my questioning myself to determine if I had, indeed, wronged someone. I had to be willing to assess what was in my heart, what I said, what I did... I had to be willing to ask those who were there if their perception matched - in any way - those of the accuser.

I recognize I can be overbearing. I know I talk through stress. I can completely see how this may be irritating to some. Last time I checked, people who love each other SAY something in a situation like that. Let's practise together:

"hey C, you've been talking for 20 minutes straight, shut up will ya?" in a playful but I mean it tone

or... perhaps...

" I know you feel strongly about this, I appreciate you love enough to say so and to ask questions, but I'm kinda overwhelmed with input at the moment, so can you back off please?"

There. That wasn't so hard was it?

Brilliant Lyrics

2009-04-24T08:25:00.000-07:00

SOAR, by Christina Aguilera

When they push when they pull, tell me can you hold on
When they say you should change can you lift your head high and stay strong
Will you give up, give in, when your heart's crying out that it's wrong
Will you love you for you at the end of it all

Now, in life, there's gonna be times when you're feelin' low
And in your mind, insecurity seems to take control
We start to look outside ourselves for acceptance and approval
We keep forgettin' that the one thing we should know is...

Don't be scared to fly alone, find a path that is your own
Love will open every door it's in your hands, the world is yours
Don't hold back and always know, all the answers will unfold
What are you waiting for, spread your wings and soar

The boy who wonders is he good enough for them
He's tryin' to please 'em all but he just never seems to fit in
Then there's the girl who thinks she'll never ever be good enough for him
She's tryin' to change and that's a game she'll never win

In life there's gonna be times when you're feeling low
And in your mind insecurity seems to take control
We start to look outside ourselves for acceptance and approval
We keep forgettin' that the one thing we should know is...

Don't be scared to fly alone, find a path that is your own
Love will open every door it's in your hands, the world is yours
Don't hold back and always know, all the answers they will unfold
What are you waiting for, spread your wings and soar

In the mirror is where she comes face to face with her fears
Her own reflection, now foreign to her after all these years
All of her life she has tried to be something besides herself
Now time has passed and she's ended up someone else with regret
What is it in us that makes us feel the need to keep pretending
Gotta let ourselves be

Don't be scared to fly alone, find a path that is your own
Love will open every door it's in your hands, the world is yours
Don't hold back and always know, all the answers they will unfold
What are you waiting for, spread your wings and soar

Don't be scared to fly alone, find a path that is your own
Love will open every door it's in your hands, the world is yours
Don't hold back and always know, all the answers they will unfold
What are you waiting for, spread your wings and soar
Don't wait, no more
You can soar
Spread your wings and soar
Don't wait, no more
Spread your wings and soar
So What you waiting for?
Don't wait......
Whoa!......
Don't wait, no more......
Don't wait......
Don't Wait...

Alone With Truth

2009-03-31T14:38:00.000-07:00

One of my favourite quote type things (I don't know if I have the exact wording correct and I have not been able to find who to attribute the quote to, thus the 'quote type thing') is:

"Extraordinary circumstances do not make heroes or cowards, they simply unveil them to the eyes of men"

True huh? We are revealed when we are in extraordinary circumstances, when trauma, pain, fear, even joy are so extreme that our ability to keep up appearances fails. Then, how we feel and WHO we are becomes apparent.

This poem is in the same vein. It's a little dated in it's wording, but I do love the message:

The Man in the Glass - Author Unknown

When you get what you want in your struggles for self
And the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
And see what that man has to say.
For it isn't your father or mother or wife
Whose judgment upon you must pass,
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the one staring back from the glass.
Some people might think you're a straight-shooting chum
And call you a wonderful guy.
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest
For he's with you clear to the end
And you've passed your most dangerous test
If the guy in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
If you've cheated the man in the glass.

So my Sister sent me this... I cried

2009-03-05T13:36:00.000-08:00

You

You caught me when I fell and kept me from hitting the ground.

You held me there and comforted me in my pain.

You built me up, little by little, until I slowly was able to stand, leaning on you still, but stronger.

You supported and protected me. You encouraged, defended, advised, and loved me despite my weakness, failings, and misspoken words.

You cared for me.

You were and are "there" for me.

I know I am not alone.

Because of you I am at peace -- with myself, with my past, and with my present.

Because of you I am growing stronger every day and know that I am whole and will be able to face the uncertainties that lie ahead.

You sheltered my soul.

You helped me find my spirit.

You mended my heart.

C, you saved my life.

I love you. And it feels so good to know that you love me too.

Exercise

2009-02-28T07:38:00.000-08:00

I am not interested in....

What I really want is...

Go ahead, finish the statements. Again. And again.

This is something sometimes asked of participants in retreats/workshops Oriah Mountain Dreamer leads. It's a tool, used to remove layers. We get buried in layers, don't we? I mean, our western world piles them on everywhere we turn - TV media, advertising, billboard, magazines - all telling us what we should be, what we should aspire to, what we should want. So what we TRULY want in the deepest corners of our souls, can get lost, buried in layers.

I'm going to do this exercise today. I think (or like to think) I'm a little less buried than some - I don't buy into the keeping up with the Jones mentality - but there is no question I'm affected by the programming of our world.

I'm curious to see where this exercise leads me and what revelations might await!

2009-02-21T07:07:00.000-08:00

"I want to know if you can be faithless, and therefore trustworthy"

-from The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Faithless: Willing to break an agreement previously made in order to be true to your own soul.

This is not an easy thing to do. Oriah says it's not "comfortable'.
She's right.
It isn't.

But, if we value truth in our lives, then there are times we have to make a decision to be true to ourselves even if another will see it as betrayal and be hurt. The alternative is to pretend you feel/want differently and betray yourself instead.

I can be faithless.
I do not take it lightly.
It has a price.
There is cost.
Sometimes a huge cost.

I would rather have a few impeccable relationships of depth and meaning than any in which I am required to compromise who I am or where pretense is the priority rather than substance. I want to stand in the fire, I want those I love to stand with me. There is no in between - either you will stand in the fire or you won't.

My goal is not to make things appear OK while burying the magnitude of hurt between us, it is to actually be OK. This cannot be accomplished by one person in a relationship, it requires both parties to be willing to truly see themselves and the other - in all our humanness - and work through the details that lead us back to OK.

I know that what you chose in that moment, and what you seem to be continuing to choose, came from a place of fear. I have compassion for the wounded soul that in those moments of trauma needed someone to blame because facing the reality was too much to carry. I can forgive that in those moments you chose to blame me. What I cannot understand is that you have not - now that time has passed since the trauma - reassessed... self assessed... investigated the facts to see if, perhaps, you judged too quickly and in contradiction to the truth.

And I know I have my own humanness, my own ways that are not for everyone, my own human failings. I believe my 'sins' as you listed them, are all things that could have been addressed quickly and easily with a simple conversation. I think your trouble with me is much less about these 'sins' and much more about fear of your own demons and, if you're honest with yourself, a lack of respect for who I am, which you are absolutely entitled to but have yet to own.

My perception is, I'm sure, very different than yours. From where I stand, you were judge, jury, and executioner to me without the benefit of any investigation into the assumptions you made or even the courtesy of a conversation with me about your concerns. Rather, you talked to others whom we both love about the conclusions you jumped to in a moment of fear. And you felt (feel?) justified in doing so. During that time and as a result of it, I was unwelcome in my own family, an outsider. You will either hold on to your blame - accurate or not - or you will desire our both investigating the truth - of the facts and of our mutual humanness.

So where does my being faithless come in? In order to be true to myself, I cannot continue to attend the big family functions and just... pretend. You seem to want to continue as if nothing has changed. For me, a great deal has changed. I saw a side of you that makes judgements in an instant without regard for fact or reality. I was discarded... collateral damage of the war you fight with your demons and/or a desperate attempt to hide from them.

While I knew the part of you that jumps to conclusions and loved you anyway, I had no idea you were capable of turning these conclusions into fact without turning back, without being willing to look at the details and the possibility of error. I find that scary. Knowing that, I do not trust you. Unless we choose to face this out loud together, I fully expect that when the alternative of facing some current challenge is too hard for you, I would once again be the scape goat, be thrown under the bus.

I am not capable of pretending and I do not want to teach my children that pretending is an acceptable choice when dealing with hurts in relationships. I am not willing to spend vacation times in a setting where I cannot freely be myself, where I feel unwelcome, not valued, not respected. My idea of family is quite different than that.

So, we will not be attending.

I'm still working through the fall out emotionally. I do not claim victory or righteousness. Far from it - this is all very sad. I do not hate you, nor do I wish you ill. I am hurt, still stunned at what strikes me as a shocking, mind boggling circumstance. I worked hard to not put you out of my heart. I'm still working on holding you in it - it will take time.

I stood in the center of the fire with you when others did not. I did not shrink back. I stood up when the pain in your life was so severe you could not. I sacrificed a great deal for you. You either see that, value that, or you don't. That fire is yours now.

What If?

2009-01-02T07:45:00.001-08:00

Maybe it's meant to be a struggle? Maybe we are supposed to be floundering, bashing against the rocks in a sometimes futile swim upstream? I never believed this before - I suppose I don't now, it's just a need to understand.

But, fuck if I know. I wrote here once that the older I get the less I know.

I used to know contentment. There was this quiet little center of me that was unwavering. Even if trauma arose, which it did, there was this quiet knowing inside. I don't have it now, that contented peace inside.

I want desperately to feel that again. It breeds a sense of being capable, a sense of empowerment, and a peace for clear thought and being. I think what scares me the most, is the thought of resignation to not ever having it again.

For a woman who has spent her entire life believing that we create our world, our lives - I am searching for how I am 'here' in my life. How is it that chaos and lack of peace and a general sense of not being able to keep head above water has taken up residence in my life? And it isn't in only one area of my life, it's everywhere I look.

I'm tired. That fly trying to get through that window in the house didn't die for lack of want or lack of trying, he died because he couldn't see another way, so he just kept trying what he knew.

What if what I know isn't enough?

The Fly

2008-12-26T12:55:00.000-08:00

He's flying along in the clear blue yonder. He has a goal. He was on his way, or so he thought. Then, swoosh through an open door, and though he is unaware, he's in your house. He flies about in what seems a very purposeful way. He doesn't even really know he's off course yet. He's just flying.

The realization that something isn't right hits him when he hits the glass of your window at full flying speed and, with a thud, drops down to the sill stunned with a WTF going through his head.

He can SEE the yonder. It's right THERE for Godsakes! He thinks to himself 'I'll try again'. Wings buzzing like crazy he tries again. Then again. And again. He can see what he wants, but he can't seem to get there no matter how hard he tries.

He's no quitter though huh? He keeps at it. Perseverance, determination, he thuds on over and over and over. There's no lack of work ethic here, nosiree!

Time passes, he grows weary, his head hurts, he's discouraged and eventually - exhausted - he succumbs. But he sure did fight the fight.

His reality is limited huh? It's limited by his perception, by his paradigm I think they call it. He can't know that if he just flew around the side of the window a few inches, there's an open door which would allow him to fly back to yonder.

I feel like that fly - endlessly trying with a sore head, but getting nowhere and questioning whatever limited thinking is keeping me stuck.

White Flag

2008-11-17T15:42:00.000-08:00

There are times when there just isn't any fight left in us.

2008-11-06T18:37:00.001-08:00

I miss the way he held my hand
I miss how he believed in me, to his core, without the slightest doubt
I miss his "It'll all work out" smile and the way his eyes... loved
I miss how safe I felt with him here
I miss my Dad

Moments Past

2008-10-31T09:06:00.000-07:00

When I was a little girl, I used to sit under the table as all the family women - in sensible shoes and stockings with Kleenexes stuffed up the cuffs of their cardigans or sometimes into the strap of their bras, tipped n tailed beans from the garden.

They'd natter on about whichever current family scandal was abrew, they'd talk about aches n pains, they'd whitter about which child would be best served by a good swat upside the head, what the tea was like, the price of bread and the state of the world.

I'd listen, giggling to myself when I heard damn or bugger. I'd reach my small hand slyly up from under the table to pinch some of the already pared beans to crunch on. Sometimes I'd do this without notice, sometimes a mysterious hand would provide a handful to my smaller one, and sometimes, it'd get it smacked. If the first reaction was a smack, I'd try another area of the round table. I just couldn't always tell by the shoes or stockings, which of the women was which.

If I forgot to bring something to play with, I'd use rocks, only they wouldn't be rocks in my mind, they'd be shape shifters or magic jumping rocks or rock creatures and I'd play with them like I would Barbies.

If I was quiet enough, and they forgot I was under there, sometimes I'd get to hear the really good gossip -whose husband was caught shamefully with the trollop from town, or how the girl up the road has come up pregnant. Such things would never be talked about 'in front' of me, but in my imaginary magical world under that table, I got to be part of the grown up world, shielded by the table cloth but still in the know and feeling like I was one of the women in some way.

There was an innocence then - not just because of my youth, the WORLD was more innocent then. What is common place now was shocking then - shocking like stop you in your tracks and make you shudder shocking.

Families were extended - Grandparents, wrinkly Great Aunts who squeezed pudgy cheeks and left sloppy trails on your face from wet kisses, old men who smelled funny, and cousins gallore.

There was a bread winner and a home maker. Roles were clear and life was simpler. Well.. from here, looking back it certainly seems that way. We have a way of romanticizing that which feels out of reach, but I think at the very least, the pace was slower, even if life wasn't easier.

Seeking and Peaceful

2008-09-26T11:16:00.000-07:00

Many moons ago, a psychic told me I was a seeker. I have endless questions about life, living, the mystery of the universe, connection, the human condition. The word "why" passes over these lips like you'd expect from a 3 year old encountering the world for the first time.

There have been times in my life when the relentless questions have left me exhausted and confused. Even after some answers are revealed, there is still mystery all around us - it's part of the wonder of living huh?

Lately, I'm no less filled with questions than usual, but I am much more.... at peace. I feel as though I'm in transition, in the process of transforming - though how and what, I cannot yet say... but I'm sure looking forward to it. *chuckling*

Rituals

2008-08-28T16:01:00.000-07:00

I generally get up between 4:45am and 5:00am each work day morning (depending on how many times I hit the dreaded snooze button!) to meditate. I started earlier this year. I've gone periods of time when I haven't - a day or two, sometimes a week or two - but I always seem to come back to it. I experienced the benefits early on - calmer over all, more likely to be naturally positive in my approach to life, slower to frustrate.

Some days my mind quiets easily and there's a funky zen state that happens, like the moments just before you fall asleep. Other days, my thoughts are persistent and loud, so stillness more elusive. Still, even on the not so good days of meditation, there's this powerful peace about it all.

I light a candle, and incense. Sometimes I have music, sometimes I open the sliding door and listen to the leaves dance or the rain fall. But always, there is something... sacred about it.

The other thing that's become a bit of a ritual is morning coffee with my husband. Our three boys and two dogs make for a busy and noisy house, - full of life - laughter, squabbling siblings, raunchy electric base or guitar wafting up from the basement, barking dogs, squeals of delight and conflict. So, at about 6:00, after I'm ready for work and while the house is still quiet, we sit in the same peaceful space I meditate in, enjoy a coffee together and talk for about a half hour.

There's something grounding about these two rituals, personally and in terms of our.... coupledom - is that a word? *laughing* It is now.

The pace of the world is out of control and there's always so much to juggle that it sometimes feels impossible to keep up and not drop balls. These two simple things have empowered my husband and myself. I'm excited to see what other benefits will come.

Let It Rain

2008-08-27T10:20:00.001-07:00

It absolutely POURED rain last night. I fell into dreamland with the sound of big fat rain drops landing on then dripping off of the leaves on the trees in the wooded area behind us. I was blustery and the downpour would surge then calm then surge again. It was truly heavenly to fall asleep to.

I do love the rain.

Choices

2008-08-26T15:15:00.000-07:00

I know I've been delinquent. Much MUCH has happened, as often does in a year of a person's life huh? I need to do this more. I need the outlet - creative and practical. I need to read y'all more too - much has happened for you too, as I can see from the stop ins I make when I steal a moment. You are wise.

Things happen in your life sometimes that challenge the core of who you are. You find yourself asking questions about your true motivations and if there is a carefully constructed reality surrounding you or if you really DO look at the world eyes open. I'm still sorting this one.

Someone special keeps referring to the sfbb - my husband is reading one too (wonder if it's the same one). We're also exploring (or re-exploring) Tolle's newest book and others like it - The Four Agreements, The Invitation, The Dance.

Peace.
It feels good to be back.

2008-08-26T15:08:00.000-07:00

I can't believe the date down there

Yikes !

That's a long time ago, that last post

2007-03-15T10:54:00.000-07:00

I am so fortunate! Each day when I come to work, I drive through a rain forest. A fucking rain forest - it's gorgeous. Massive trees older than dirt, moss and vine covered... magnificent.

2007-03-13T07:56:00.000-07:00

Today... the way my kids make me laugh til I can't breathe - amazing little creatures!

My cup runneth over!

The Man in the Moon is SMILING!

2007-03-12T08:25:00.000-07:00

He IS!

AT MEEEE!

Today on the way to work, I looked up and there he was.

I've seen sliver moons, quarter moons.... but I've never seen the nose, smiling eyes, and grin that I saw today.

Phenomenal.

I'm blessed!

2007-03-10T16:07:00.000-08:00

Popcorn.

That's today's.

Not air popped, not microwave

Actual pot popped in oil popcorn

With butter

Real butter

and

Salt

Nummy!

Catch Up

2007-03-08T08:49:00.000-08:00

Ooops. fell a little behind in this gratitude thing! *laughing*

Soooo... 6 things....

the fabulous cranberry scones I get at the coffee shop (it's like eating a tree first thing in the morning, holy fibre batman!)
almond oil - the best skin softening agent known to man
sweat peas and sunflowers - my favs!
delightfully coloured file folders - cuz didn't it get painfully boring and bland looking at ivory all day?
cruise control - makes rocking out like a spaz much easier *giggling*
melt in your mouth creamy smooth delectable orgasmic chocolate

OK - I think I'm all caught up now!!

Cheers

Testosterone Fan I am I am

2007-03-02T08:41:00.000-08:00

Today it's those fabulous male customers who brighten my day with flirty banter. It's fun, good for the ego, and gets those happy endorphins vibrating all over the bod!

*grin*

ala C

2007-03-01T13:46:00.000-08:00

Each player of this game starts off with ten weird things or habits or little known facts about yourself. People who get tagged must write in a blog of their own ten weird things or habits or little known facts.

I had an extremely religious phase in grade 9 (9th grade in the US) - and I do mean EXTREMELY! I was full blown born again - complete with the superiority complex and condescending attitude for anyone who didn't hold the same opinion. I was gonna save the world, bible in hand

I was 'the fat kid' in school, until about grade 10 - hence the end of my religious phase *laughing*

I am a whore for the perfect bite - every bite counts. If I get to the end of a sandwich and the mayo didn't quite reach there, or it's missing ham - I'll get up and do what needs to be done to fix it. If that final forkfull of salad is naked because the dressing missed it, that can (and will) be corrected. If I'm at the end of a meal and that last bite needs... salt, so be it. My Husband laughs at me, but hey.... the perfect bite is a beautiful thing!

I have a crooked pinkie finger. It's a family thing, my Dad had it, my sister has it, my nieces and nephews have it.

I'm really not fond of talking on the phone. I mean, I do it because it's better than no contact, but I really don't like it.

I have a secret desire to own and operate one of those metaphysical-funky spiritual-occult type stores.

There are some foods I eat in an odd way. When I eat an O Henry, I eat from the outside in, until all that is left is that long nougaty cylinder in the center. When I eat pop corn, I chew off all the crunchy bits leaving only the soft fluffy part - I call them melties - which I eat last. Eating a banana, I will scrape my teeth lightly up the outside, removing the outer portion and leaving the slimy looking inside portion still to enjoy. When I eat a big juicy dill pickle, I use my jaw to crush the flesh inside, suck the juicy pulp out, then eat the shell last.

I have a bit of a fetish for the cold wet of a dog's nose. Now now... not like that (I put that sort of thing on the other blog)! I just like how they feel, so I'll snuggle up with my Koda and run my finger gently around his nose. Well....! the instructions said WEIRD things!

I am with earrings as Imelda was with shoes - you really CAN'T have too many!

I can (and do) serve drinks with my breasts.

I Got The Music In Me

2007-03-01T08:10:00.000-08:00

So that chick you see boppin all around when you're driving behind her...

That one who is just givin it hell singing her face off at stop light even though you're laughing your ass off watching her...

The girl doing the air drum solo in between shifts...

The one who smiles at you while she completely rocks out...

I'm that girl.

Today.... I'm grateful for music and the way it fill us, lifts us, connects us to our humanness, allows us to feel free. Oh... and I'm grateful for a kickass stereo too! *grin*

CS Lipstick... uh huh

2007-02-28T08:27:00.000-08:00

Today? Long-wear lipstick. I mean the kind that doesn't come off when you.... eat, drink... suck. Goddamned marvellous shit - just sayin'.

2007-02-26T14:17:00.000-08:00

I have been ill with something flu like. It is the most violent, brutal stomach illness I have ever experienced, and given I spent the weekend in bed, I am profoundly grateful for an incredibly comfortable cozy bed.

Every morning....

2007-02-22T08:05:00.000-08:00

when I get to work, my coffee cup has been emptied of the previous day's goo, cleaned, and placed on my desk for today's cup o java. It's one of those little kindnesses that make me smile. Thank you K.

Sally Girl

2007-02-21T11:47:00.000-08:00

Yup, today I'm grateful for the amazing Goddess of Hair and Style who graciously transforms my hair each month.

Rain

2007-02-19T16:16:00.001-08:00

Yup, today it's rain. Love it.

2007-02-17T19:19:00.000-08:00

Today... NAPS! I'm grateful for the most delightful nap.

And today....

2007-02-16T08:23:00.000-08:00

the sun came out. Bright glittery in the sky, warm soothing, sunglassess required.

Thank you!

2007-02-15T16:32:00.000-08:00

Today, I am very aware of being truly loved by my husband.

Wake up Juice

2007-02-14T07:52:00.000-08:00

Today I'm grateful for COFFEE! Double Double for those of you who speak Canadian, though I do prefer deep brown sugar.

God Bless Coffee!

2007-02-13T11:00:00.000-08:00

Time and energy are in short supply. I'm tired. But... I have decided I will AT LEAST note something I'm grateful for each day, as it moves me, from big things to tiny seemingly irrelevant things.

Today, I am grateful for that lovely family of black bunnies that feed on the grassy patch near the freeway. Everyday that I come to work, I pass them. And everyday I see them, they make me smile.

Koda

2007-01-31T16:13:00.000-08:00

has GROWN!!!! He is 66 pounds at six months!!!!!!!!!

And... we have a new addition - a wee little lost soul who now has a whole family loving her. We call her Cassie (the kids' choice) and she might weigh 10 pounds - maybe!

Soo... next we'll be building a fence *laughing*

My Writing Delinquency

2007-01-25T16:10:00.000-08:00

We have been without a computer at home for some time now, and work doesn't provide much privacy, so posting there isn't easy. I will be more present now we have a new computer. And I'm LOVING the big wide screen monitor!

Koda

2007-01-25T16:08:00.000-08:00

So that sweet little baby bear I brought home a few months back is now a whopping 66 pounds!

Pictures to follow soon.

Enchanted Captivated Stimulated Curious

2006-12-29T11:38:00.000-08:00

"She thought about what she had, where she was centered, central, the centerpiece, and why she came where she was none of those. She knew her place on the altar but shook off worship like she did leers, jeers, and gaping dumbass boy stares, preferring instead the secrets of the confessional and the darkness behind the curtain. Those who wanted to build her up had no idea she wanted to be taken apart. Then put back together. "

- Edge wrote that up there, posted it almost a year ago.

When Edge wrote this, when I read the words the first time, waves washed quietly over me as I sat breathless. I read it over and over. I went back to it day after day. I've no idea who my dear friend was holding in his heart when he wrote those words, or if perhaps it was a 'collective of women' that inspired it. What I do know, is how it held me then, holds me still.

I cut and pasted those words up there, then printed them. The little paper is folded umpteen times like it was stolen from an origami graveyard. It whispers to me to experience it again. It screams loudly if I haven't for too long. The outside folds are darker now from wear and grime, the edges curl some, there's a tiny rip because of how often it has been unfolded, read, refolded and tucked away in my wallet in the 007 pocket no one else looks in.

I touched me. It touches me still. It makes me smile. It makes me melt. It smacks of all sorts of things that I identify with. It perplexes me and I relate to it all at once. It both fills me and leaves me hungry. I'm drawn to it. Still.

It is very mysterious to me, I have not unraveled it's secrets. I might never. I think maybe it raises questions deep inside the core of me that I haven't delved into completely. I find the whole thing fascinating.

Fascinating.

2006-12-11T10:29:00.000-08:00

Edge's post today stirred me. (He does that ya know!)

I read it and went back to work, but his words stayed with me. The story he told enveloped me and took me back to a time past but still with me too.

I remember like yesterday those days. I remember the doctor talk, the white coats and rich shoes. I remember the tubes and machines and bags hanging - some for fluid going in, some for fluid going out. Clear. Red. Yellow.

I remember my Mother's eyes.

I remember people looking away, fidgeting because the discomfort of not knowing what to say was unbearable for them.

I knew from the day I got that phone call - before they even knew what it was - that this unknown thing was going to be what took her from us. I knew. It wasn't that I didn't have hope - of course I hoped. But in the depths of me, was a voice preparing me for letting go. I never did, really. I haven't still, and... reading that post this morning reassured me, I don't want to.

More than the agony of the helplessness, the weight of fear, the sharp penetrating pain of loss, there is a quietly accepting peace that washes over me now. I feel a faith in the circle of life and the healing power of love - both in fighting an illness and in the graceful crossing over when that time comes.

It does not mean if I had an ill child that I'd happily give him up or lose him without anger. I cannot fathom how I might cope with that. But reading Edge's post, reliving the moments so clear in my heart and mind, made me feel closer to my Mom. I miss her terribly, everyday, but not turning away from the experience of her - that feels powerful to me.

Thanks Mr. Edge.

So I heard on the news this morning

2006-11-24T08:39:00.000-08:00

that BC leads the country in child poverty (I think they said for the 6th year running, but I could be mistaken).

They translated that to 23% of children living below the poverty line - a line that is so ridiculously low, that the real percentage is likely more like 50%. So somewhere between 1 in 4 and 2 in 4 children do not have enough to eat, safe and comfortable housing, warm enough clothing, and sufficient health care. Combine that with the reality that most of the parents of said children are 'the working poor' - working long hours for little money, depleted of time and energy and therefore less available to those children for true parenting - and we find ourselves growing a nation of lost souls. I do not know the numbers for other provinces, but I'm sure it isn't pretty.

But... come on Canada, we all know it is MUCH more important that we spend our tax dollars on securing a TITLE for Quebec, than solving the profound and basic human dignity issues facing our children - the future leaders of this nation of ours.

************************************************************************************************

note:

I have nothing against the people of Quebec. My family originates from Quebec, and many of my relatives still live there. These proud people have voted - more than once - to stay in Canada, to keep Canada united coast to coast. They have spoken - it's just the political arena isn't listening. I do not believe it is the Quebec people as a whole keeping this wound open, but rather the politicians.

Just sayin'

I don't usually do this, but...

2006-11-23T12:47:00.000-08:00

Enough already!!!

I'm so sick and tired of Quebec wanting - getting - special treatment and thinking they are more important than the rest of us Canadians.

When I imagine (because it's never entirely disclosed) the millions upon millions of Canadian tax dollars that have been spent on the debate over Quebec - what it should get, separation, and now a proposal by our fearless if less than wise leader that Quebecers form a nation "that is currently within Canada" - well, it makes me shudder in disgust.

How might those same dollars have been spent instead? Oh my GOD!! Perhaps improving wait lists at hospitals, refunding the deep cuts to child services, re-staffing schools so class sizes are not in the vicinity of 30 students per teacher, and hundreds of other fabulously worthy issues benefitting ALL Canadians, not one fucking province.

ENOUGH ALREADY!

Silly Tidbits

2006-11-12T07:39:00.000-08:00

Apparently I'm a little cryptic in my writing here, I talk about the big life stuff, but reveal very little about myself and my life. Sooo... I agreed to more detail.

I've been told I'm like an M & M
I don't like when my finger nails are short, they are almost always painted and long
my husband is an amazing soul and the best friend I've ever known - still
I sang in a rock band many moons ago - it was a time of big hair and spandex
the Dr. Seuss book - Oh The Places You'll Go is absolutely fabulous
I live near the ocean, I don't want to live anywhere else
I miss my parents in a way I can't even find words for
I was with my Mom when she took her last breath
I wasn't with my Dad - I desperately wish I had been
My MIL died last year - I was blessed with TWO amazing Mothers
I feel all three of them deeply, often
I loved being pregnant. would love to be pregnant again
I am the 'baby' of the family, my sister and brother are 10 and 12 years older than me, respectively
I have been told I'm a lot like my Dad - might just be the best compliment you could pay me
I have 3 sons - almost 14, 6, and just turned 4
not ONE of them is a passive soul - Aquarius, Aires, and Scorpio
Koda is suckling on my toe as I write this (medium dog, 40 pounds - MY ASS, btw - he's gonna be a BIG boy)
The movie How To Make An American Quilt has such intricately woven life messages, I think I may still not have picked up on all of em!
my wild side has scared people away before
I have been to a psychic, I'll go again
there are a handful of men who have touched me deeply
a few have left a mark that is permanent (one hasn't even touched me physically)
I'm profoundly grateful for each
I love sound of a fire crackling with ocean waves in the background
I don't like socks, rarely wear them
I do like sand between my toes, even in November
I think Grandmas should be plump
there are a handful of people who have seen me cry - I'm getting better at being more open
I have plants ALL over my house
The first cup of coffee in the morning is sacred
I have very little, if any really, time alone - something I miss and I'm trying to change
I feel fortunate every day for the parents I was born to and the people in my life
I swear. A lot.
I love working with men
There is an anniversary coming up that makes me smile - you know I love you, am so grateful for you, and love that we 'met' *grin*

November 4th

2006-11-06T15:46:00.000-08:00

is the day Morrie died.

I did not know this when on Saturday (November 4th btw) I finally decided to read a book that Husband has been asking me to read for weeks. Tuesdays With Morrie, is a wonderful read.

A Moment In Time

2006-10-26T16:14:00.000-07:00

She sat quietly across the table from him. His eyes smiled at her, loving her. He held her small hands in his large plump ones, enveloping them, keeping them warm like he did her spirit. It was like it always was, and for a moment in time, she remembered what it was like to feel whole and content and safe, to feel assured and capable.

He did that for her, he always had - he reassured her things would be OK and had her believing there was nothing she couldn't do, cope with, handle. He believed in her - in her goodness, her strength, her kindness, her absolute ability to take on the world and make it better at the same time.

The lines on his face told the story of his journey - a tale of a man who grabbed life by the balls and hung on tight yelling "yeeeeeeeee - haaaaaaaaaw" while it whipped him around, the bruises of experience turning to wisdom over time. Yup, he lived, and he taught her to do the same.

Deep, weathered crevices wove through thickened skin - a criss-cross pattern of the joy and pain worn like a badge for all to see. He was the bravest man she knew - in many different ways.

Those lines there... they were from the hundreds of times his eyes filled with love as he looked at his wife preparing a meal or tending the garden. The origin of those lines is what taught her of commitment, of lifetime love, of family and belonging.

Those ones there... they're from all that time spent in the hospital and the way-too-many-surgeries he endured with grace and dignity. Yes, he taught her about being strong, about persevering, about determination, and about hope. He taught her by how he lived through it, how he remained open, when he had more reasons than most to close.

Those ones there told of the delight and worry of being a parent. She never once questioned his love for her, she knew she mattered. He had guided her through peer pressure and bolstered her when she felt she wasn't enough. He'd taught her the first person she had to please was herself - like, "if you build it, they will come"- only different. His love was the most complete pure love she'd known, and if she wasn't sure of it before, she knew looking into his eyes now that he had shaped the core of her and that gift was a part of her every day.

Their eyes stayed locked as they loved each other. She wanted to keep the moment close, as if in a frame on her wall, to take down and hold and cherish and feel - just like she did in that moment in time. She wanted to memorize every detail - everything she was feeling, every tingle in her body, how it felt to be close to him again, how when he looked at her his eyes filled with love and pride and respect. And... every one of those lines, because what they represented to her was so profound and soothing she couldn't bear the thought she might forget even one.
She felt herself trying to capture it, hold it close.

And then she woke up.

Her eyes welled warm and overflowed like a waterfall streaming down her face in an instant as the eruption of emotions took her over. The ache of not having him in her world had been there since he'd passed, and she knew now it would never go away completely. She grieved desperately for the loss of him, but even in that pain, she felt him so strongly, and she knew she'd been given a gift.

He came to visit her, to touch her, to remind her. He felt her needing him, and he was there, as he'd always been. Perfect.

She felt a wave of calm wash over her, filled with love for him and from him she heard herself say out loud " Thank you Daddy " .

Befuddled and Bewildered

2006-10-11T09:56:00.000-07:00

I'm having a gump moment

You know.... that whole....

"I don't know who's right Jenny... if it's Mama or Lt. Dan... I don't know if it's destiny or if we're all floatin along accidental like on a breeze"

thing

Ya, that

Oh Whatever!

2006-09-27T15:34:00.000-07:00

I'm going through a phase, I think. Anyone knows me, knows I do deep - connected - raw in my relationships. That's cool, but it's not ALL the time, not ALL consuming heavy deep shit. FUCK!

Those overused phrases are driving me insane. I'm irritated and impatient, and ya, I guess a little cynical currently. I hear people talking the airy fairy terms of soul and soulmate and unconditional love and I find myself rolling my eyes and dying to say PUHLEASE! Talking it is running rampant. As a society we are talking the fucking shit out of it all, just DO it for godsakes! Do the loving, don't just talk about it.

Sometimes... it's time to just suck it up, get on with it, stop moaning and just get it done already!

For those of you old enough, I feel a little like Fish from Ally McBeal or even dearest Dr. House! EEK!

Still... not EVERYTHING has to be spoken and ushy gushy phsycho babble goo! I love that shit, I do - but it's SO much already, it's like using and exclamation mark at the end of every sentence.

Or, I might just be bitchy. Sorry.

Poor Planning!

2006-09-20T16:36:00.000-07:00

OK! I landed in Calgary on Friday in flip-flops and capri pants and it was FUCKING SNOWING! September 15 for GODSAKES! WTF!?????

I am clearly an Island girl all the way! Beautiful BC, I am SO glad to be back home in paradise!

2006-09-12T15:29:00.000-07:00

I took the last week off work so I could be part of the school starting events. Youngest in preschool for the first time, middle in Kindergarten, and eldest in grade 8 or 8th grade for you American readers *smiling*

Back at work for a few days, then I'm off to Calgary for a wedding. Calgary is in the province of Alberta and is the closest thing to Texas that Canada has - cowboys and cattle, rednecks, tight jeans and big belt buckles, a booming oil industry, hardass line em up and shoot em thinking, whiskey drinkin and smokin, and places like "The Liquor emporium" or "The Liquor Barn".

Soooo... add a large Irish Catholic wedding in such a location... ought to be quite entertaining me thinks! I'm really looking forward to it. And... I'm going WITHOUT kids, all by my self! Wooooo hoooo!

Ohhhh.... and I guess that means I'll be IN CHURCH and ON MY KNEES this weekend! I'll wear my big clunky glittery cross, the one that rests right in the nestle.. you know the neslte don't ya? *giggling*

No Bias Here

2006-08-18T14:14:00.000-07:00

Could he BE cuter?

BACK

2006-08-17T20:00:00.000-07:00

My normally intensely sexual self has been... well.... MIA as of late. I was beginning to worry!

But today, I experienced the female equivalent of "IT MOVED" - and without mango! George baby, I feel ya my man!

Introducing Koda

2006-08-12T15:43:00.000-07:00

Update!

2006-08-12T11:41:00.000-07:00

Sadly, Onyx was reclaimed by the asshole that neglected him already. I am scared for him, but powerless to help.

Another little fellow was rescued from the same place after Onyx, and the lady at the shelter saved him just for us because she knew we'd provide a loving home for him.

He is tiny, and still recovering from not being cared for, but seems very content to be loved.

We named him Koda (from the movie Brother Bear) because he looks like a miniature bear cub.

(I did try to post his picture here, but it doesn't seem to be working) *Pout*

Faith

2006-08-11T14:24:00.000-07:00

I bought a collar

And a leash

And a bag of high quality puppy chow

And some of the meaty moisty stuff too

For the puppy I don't yet have

2006-08-10T06:59:00.000-07:00

I mention I hate waiting?

I'm really AWEFUL at it!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Puppy Please

2006-08-08T15:46:00.000-07:00

I'm a Lady in waiting. OK, I'm no lady at all, but I am waiting.

I don't wait well.

Hate to wait.

But.... I am very excited about what I 'may' be waiting for.

We went to the animal shelter on the weekend. My family has been contemplating a getting a dog since the fall of 2005. Given I don't get to bring my little time-share doggy to work anymore, it feels like time.

Sooooo.... we looked online, and went to see a dog there. And, as we were there, my youngest found...... a puppy. A tiny little boy who was found flea and worm infested at his owner's home. It breaks my heart anyone could be so neglectful. Anyway.... the guy has until Friday to pay for the treatment and reclaim his puppy (can you believe he's allowed to do that after mistreating it already!?) and if he doesn't, then.... we get him.

The shelter guy was fabulous. He said.... call me with a name for the puppy by 4 and I'll go on Wednesday to find out if the owner wants to pay. He also said that he's been at the shelter for 2 years and he's never seen the owners pay... sooo... I'm hopeful!

He's black.

I named him Onyx.

I want him.

2006-08-01T06:53:00.000-07:00

You know those moments when everything falls into place, when for just that moment in time there is clarity, peace, contentment... when everything makes sense and things are as they should be... when all the muscles in your body are fluid and relaxed... when you sleep that deep restful sleep that leaves you fresh and full of energy... when you understand how you fit in the world and your philosophies are in tune with you and your surroundings?

This isn't one of those moments!

I feel like I'm in a vortex. It's almost an out of body experience. Who is SHE and what the fuck is she doing with my life?

I crave simplicity, just for a while. Boring sounds kinda tempting in this instant. (Hush Edge, I KNOW I KNOW!)

OK... Deeeeeep Breath.... Ready or not Day, here I come.

(I think the Day is ready just fine, it's ME that needs more time!) *laughing*

2006-07-13T11:35:00.000-07:00

I miss...

what used to be
belonging
feeling like no matter where we each were, we were never truly alone
melting into your chest and feeling the world disappear, feeling safe
the knowing
feeling like I can rely on someone other than myself
being able to completely relax
letting my guard down, just... being
the contentment

But I do hope...

Early Warning System

2006-06-24T07:46:00.000-07:00

I am continually amazed at nature's ability to provide protections and systems to keep animals safe. Exceptional hearing or sight, incredible speed, the ability to camouflage by changing colour are all tools for such protection and survival. We humans have lost some of our innate abilities, and we de-evolve as we become more and more arrogant about our superiority. We could take many a lesson from the animal kingdom.

Take, for instance, the gigantic IP (impending punctuation) zit that many - if not all - women grow somewhere painfully obvious on our faces in the days preceding the arrival of the dreaded period. As irritating as it is to us, it really provides a profound service to men folk. It is, without question, an Early Warning System. It says.... if I'm not already bitched up like a crazy woman throwing a chair or wagging a finger on Jerry Springer, I'm about to be - so walk softly and be prepared cuz them horns they are a comin'!!!

Just sayin'

2006-06-18T21:43:00.000-07:00

Have you ever connected with another soul on such a level that you were kind of.... twins... kind of.... kindred spirits?

LG - my niece... is this amazing soul. She is.... magical, mystical, healing, peaceful, kind, adventurous, stimulating.... she is... ALIVE.

The parts of each of us that are not the same, or similar - those parts of her that aren't like me? Those are things I aspire to. She is.... me, but evolved. She is... at 20, what I grew to by 35. She has innate wisdom I didn't at her age.

She is... life energy. I love her. I am grateful for her every day. I know I have purpose in her life as she has profound purpose in mine. I cherish every moment.

Love you LG. Thank you!!!

Pussy Party

2006-06-16T19:46:00.000-07:00

So I've been craving some girl time! Now.... this is actually kind of unusual for me in that many women don't actually...well... like me - I can, uh.... offend. *laughing*

Anyhoo... my niece who takes care of my babies when we work and kinda lives at my house is this very very cool soul. I mean.... just one of those amazing spirits. And, I really dig hangin with her. She has some mighty cool chick friends that I've become attached to too!

Sooooo... we're gonna go have a girl's night. We'll get all slutted up, go for dinner somewhere, drink Cosmopolitans or some other such pompus fancy drink and then go dancing and shake what our Mamas gave us!

We may not be able to swing it for this weekend, but look out world, the Pussy Party is coming your way! (Pussy Posse - I love that!)

Woooooooooooooo Hoooooooooooooooooo!

Fairy Cards

2006-05-29T14:13:00.000-07:00

So in keeping with the mystic guru theme, I've been playing with the Fairy Cards this last couple of weeks.

You can find em at your local metaphysical book/gift/funky shit store.

Little different than tarrot cards, but similar in that they can assist with self awareness and with focus.

You handle them, let your energy touch them, then you ask a question... out loud or to yourself.... might be...."what do I need to know right now?" or something specific like "should I take this new job?" Then you pull cards. They all have meanings (written in the little book that comes with them) and you read the message of the card after you pull it, then apply it to your situation. It's fun. And... it's enlightening, really, it is! I keep pulling the same cards - accident? I don't think so.

And yes, Edge, I have some crystals too! *laughing*

Papa, Can You Hear Me?

2006-05-23T16:57:00.000-07:00

I want my Dad. I want to look into his eyes, see his love for me, feel how he believes in me... I want to walk away knowing I can take on the world. I miss his calm. I miss the way he could put everything in perspective when nothing made sense. I miss the way his encouragement wrapped me like a blanket and he could reassure me that things would in fact work out. Faith - not bless me father for I have sinned faith - but... life faith.

And yes, I believe he can.

S

2006-05-18T10:10:00.000-07:00

I seem to have misplaced my cape.

Anyone seen it?

I sure notice not having it, damn.

2006-05-15T12:50:00.000-07:00

So I'm not living at home the next week or two. I'm in a little motel close to home, so I can see the kids. I'm.... lost and broken and aching with the knowledge that whatever direction I go now, a part of me will die.

I am in a place I never thought I'd be. I'm stunned by it really, and I feel paralyzed. So, the space is for a deep breath, to let what I've been avoiding catch up with me, to face it - whatever it is and whatever facing it might mean.

It's an 'out of life' experience and it's the most foreign thing I've known.

2006-04-13T16:21:00.000-07:00

I really need to be fucked.

I am clearly oozing this need.

Proven by the male reaction to me currently.

Nothing but trouble...

Ripe.

Weak.

Hungry.

Danger!

Attraction...

2006-04-06T11:21:00.000-07:00

So C posted about to overlook annoying for the sake of sexual chemistry or not... and it got me to thinking.

I've changed.

Attraction is absolutely a package event for me... physical, mental... and spiritual too. But... my desire to have a man who can actually HANDLE me, who has the capacity to be in control, to reel me in, to inspire me.... that desire has grown so much over the last few years, that I think the requirements for attraction have also changed.

I think I could overlook annoying,among other things, if I thought a man could... "take me there". I'm not sure I like this about myself - but, ya know truth is truth.

I Am Demon Woman

2006-03-22T07:50:00.000-08:00

So we had company on Monday night. This couple is like us in that they've been together since high school. They are unlike us in many ways too - he has explored outside the marriage but she knows nothing about it - we have a more open exploration policy.... she is conservative - I'm, well... not.

She (L) and I got into a conversation about the societal expectations on women to look a certain way in order to be acceptable to men, attractive to men. L's examples of this were things like wearing high heels, make up, dressing sexy, long hair, sexy clothing, attempting to keep a taut body, fighting the natural aging process.

Now let's remove the fact that I LIKE many of those things for a moment and address it philosophically.

L believes this pressure to be a certain way is initiated and sustained by men. My point to her was that I believe women are at least AS responsible if not more so than men for perpetuating an image of what a woman should be that may or may not fit what most of us are. It isn't men buying Cosmo, Elle, In Style and the like... it's women! The fashion industry is also driven in large part by women. Even the media machine of celebrity worship and advertising is certainly not sustained by men alone.

In addition, men respond to many different types of women, not that presented ideal alone. I am not a perfect 10 by any stretch. I have had 3 children, carry probably 15 extra pounds, and I was no super model when I was 18, let alone now. Still, men respond to me all the time, ask me out, show interest - so clearly THEY aren't stuck on this societal picture of perfection gracing the fashion covers each month as being the only form of female worth attention.

Women and our competitive nature are partly what fuel the image machine. L wanted to blame men. I simply don't see it that way.

We never addressed the porn industry - clearly a little more male driven... but I think she may well have required CPR for that conversation.

2006-02-28T15:21:00.000-08:00

I want to sleep, I'm so weary I wonder some days...

I want a weekend, alone

I want time and space... to breathe

And sun would be nice

After sleepin' I want to run, want to feel my body sweat and tingle

I want the release of all the stuff, ya know?

So there's room to FEEL and hear that wisdom voice inside

Cuz it's being drowned out now, I can't hear it clearly

And I can't see the path either, the fog is deceiving

Ya...

sleep

time

exhale

2006-02-27T14:53:00.000-08:00

She brightened the day of most she encountered with the warmth of sunshine and comfort of a cool breeze. There was a lightness to her, that fun-loving, nurturing, wild spirit that oozed encouragement and optimism to those close to her mostly always.

As long as she could remember, people had easily and quickly bared their souls to her, since she was young. The secrets she kept tight in the vault of her soul were treasures she took out now and then to remind herself of the trust placed in her, and the worth she felt because of that trust.

She was... strong, assured. She'd hold you up when you were weak, push you along when forward motion didn't seem possible, she wrap her love around you like a blanket and you'd feel like the world couldn't touch you in that moment.

She was grounded and balanced and whole. Her philosophies were not main stream, her spiritual bent to the metaphysical - no, she certainly wasn't.... normal, but her beliefs served her, held her solid when storms threatened, gave her hope when the darkness descended.

Do you know this girl?

Have you met her?

Where did she go?

If you see her, tell her.... I miss her terribly.

The Invitation... Again

2006-02-03T09:44:00.000-08:00

I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal

and not betray your own soul.

If you can be faithless

and therefore trustworthy.

From Oriah Mountain Dreamer's "The Invitation"

Sometimes sacrifice comes easy, is natural, flows. Sometimes it's harder. And sometimes, it isn't the right thing to do. But when and what to sacrifice is so very difficult to determine huh?

2006-01-30T13:47:00.000-08:00

Peanut butter and dill pickle sandwiches - something I grew up on and thought the entire world knew about.... but, I mentioned it here at work, and you'd have thought I had horns escaping my scalp.

Tell me some of you have had this???

Privacy? Secrets? Disclosure? Transparency?

2006-01-24T15:33:00.000-08:00

Those of you who know me, know my husband and I are struggling some at the moment. We are in the process of examining where we are, how we got here, if we want to stay married, if we CAN stay married (do we still want the same type of relationship), and all the ramifications of the myriad of directions we can go in from here.

So D and I got into a discussion about primary relationships and the need/right/reasonable expectation of privacy. What privacy, if any, is reasonable to expect when you are life partners? What thoughts are or should be required to be disclosed? Where do we cross the line from private to secret? When, if at all, is a secret ok? He asked specific questions... most of which just raised more questions... things like:

If you have an email account I don't know about it , is that a secret?

If you have a blog I don't know about, thoughts you keep from me but post for 'the world' to see, is that a betrayal?

If you have a friend who you spend time with that I am not a part of, is it reasonable to expect you will tell me about the conversations you have?

What about a bank account I don't know about?

What about your cell phone, text messages, the like... should I have open access to all that?

Sexual fantasies shared with someone, but not your primary partner - is that a secret or is it a private thought/conversation. Is the expectation of such privacy, reasonable and/or healthy?

So what do y'all think bout it?

Mama, Can You Hear Me?

2006-01-16T14:17:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's been 8 years. I knew what today was the moment my eyes fluttered open, it never escapes me. But when I looked at the calendar - 2006 - GOD! 2006!!! Eight years!

January 16, 1998. at 6:02 pm, my Mother's Spirit left her body here on Earth for what I hope is a better place - an existence without pain, fear, loneliness, loss.

The older I get, the more I appreciate my Mother - who was very different than I am. I long for her advice, her laugh, her warmth. My children's lives would be richer too if she were still here, no question about it.

I miss you Mama.

Lunge Sadism

2006-01-10T10:11:00.000-08:00

Let me just say.... the inventor of the LUNGE is one evil fucker. I feel parts of my ass I didn't know were there! WHO KNEW???? As to if the pain will be worth the gain... I'll keep ya posted!

Shake Your Booty

2006-01-10T08:59:00.000-08:00

Sing it with me now.... SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE.... SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE.... SHAKE YOUR BOOOOOOOTY!

You know how when you bathe a dog, afterwards he shakes himself stupid and shit flies everywhere? That's me this week - I'm shaking it all off - at least whatever isn't working for me! So stand clear, watch for flying debris - this is my disclaimer, I'll not be responsible for injuries to those standing too close whilst I vibrate myself positive!

SHAKE

There goes the doubt - in myself, my friends, my loves

SHAKE

There goes disregard for my body - more sleep, less alcohol (not toooo much less though *wink*), making time to work my body - strong - agile (hot will be a nice side effect), nourishing eats

SHAKE

There goes not taking time to feed my Spirit - enrichment through meditating, reading what moves me, walks on the beach, singing too loud, dancing like a wild woman - it's all mine

SHAKE

There goes living by default - not cognitively deciding, standing still - is still a choice - I will move forward, I choose! ME!

SHAKE

There goes not being true to myself to make others more comfortable, holding back, censoring - I'm me. I'm a little wild, yes.... I'm not politically correct.... I don't generally do proper..... I'm a free spirit and damnit, I'm letting it loose.... FUCK anyone can't deal, get over it, move on, pout, whatever - it' ain't mine, it's yours to cope with

SHAKE

There goes forgetting how much I can impact those I love in fabulous ways

SHAKE

There goes the negative self talk, the acceptance of others' negative piles of shit - I'm erecting a force field, negative energy will bounce off it, can't get in - HA! So there!!!

Yup, I'm feeling the power! Pieces of me, returning to place... not all at once, but damn... sure feels good to know they're all still there!

2006-01-04T10:57:00.000-08:00

My life in the last few months has been a train wreck... the engine that is my Spirit can't move me forward... the cars all derailed and bunched up and in the wrong order, strewn over fields and in the streets. The mother car, wife car, friend car, self car, professional car, child car, free spirit car, responsible car, lover car, slut car, sister car, daughter car.... and all their cargo of love, respect, consideration, fear, peace, excitement, adventure, lust, courage, honesty, vulnerability, generosity, affection, sadness, fulfillment, disappointment, playfulness, laughter, risk, intimacy, confusion, bliss, hope, euphoria, pain, clarity, wildness, betrayal, contentment, connection, delight, commitment, ecstasy, optimism, anxiety, integrity - all the things that make us feel alive - they're all toppled... spilled... mixed together. I need a HASMAT team to clean up the toxic mess, separate all the elements of humanness and put them back in the right places, get my train back on the track.

I Know Nothing

2005-12-30T10:00:00.000-08:00

I have decided the older I get, the less I know. I remember how clear the world was at 18. Damn! I knew everything then!!! All the complicated issues in the world were black and white, defined, positioned in neat and tidy little slots. It isn't only the grey in my hair that is increasing as I age!

I still have beliefs... I still hold them close... though it doesn't always come easy... but I don't KNOW anything.

I believe...

that we create our world based on what we think
that what we spend time thinking, is what we draw to our lives
that being aware of our thoughts isn't always easy
that things happen for a reason, even when we don't know what it is
that we can 'choose' to be content by how we choose to think, that we paint our perceptions
that what we 'feel' is filtered through our thought process and then either accepted and cherished, or rejected and released
that when we hold on to negative, it somehow serves us to do so and learning what we 'get' from keeping negative in our lives is imperative in learning to release it and create what we truly desire
that it isn't always easy to know what our true motivations are
that even when we know, it isn't always easy to admit
that if we spent more time nourishing our spirits and less time trying to fill ourselves up from the outside, we'd be much more content
that we are enriched in different ways by different people, each touching us in a unique way, each providing some combination of the human element necessary to feel alive
that you can be intimately connected to more than one person, unable to imagine your life without each of them
that emotional trauma is a catalyst for evolution
that a relationship (be it spousal, friendship, family, lover, friend or any combination of the lot) can fade even if neither party has done anything wrong, that you can love that person insanely and still not be able to make it work
that you can hold a person in your heart forever, that some touches leave imprints that are permanent
that sometimes fear of the unknown makes people stay in a safer place, even if it isn't fulfilling
that I have to have passion in my life to feel whole - passion for life, for adventure, for love, for laughing, for lust

2005-12-27T14:16:00.000-08:00

How do you measure?
How do you measure the way a person loves you?
How do you measure if that love is enough?
How do you assess the things you feel are missing?
How do you measure if what is missing is too much?
How do you measure they way you hurt someone, when what you feel is love, but what you ARE hurts?
How do you navigate new territory, when you have a lifetime of history together?
How do you divide time, energy, investment amongst those you love - cuz we love many in many ways don't we?
How do you give freely when you feel you're not enough, or at least not enough of what that person wants and needs?
How do you measure the I in comparison to the we?
How do you choose yourself without feeling selfish?
How do you balance?

These aren't questions I used to ask so much.

I don't know if I've changed, he's changed, we've changed or all of the above.

I am beginning to know we are in very new territory, the landscape has changed, we aren't used to this terrain, it requires different relationship apparel, different tools, different approach.

Where's that relationship store when you need it huh? Just run out, buy the right tools for the job, the right gear to navigate the new place, the season.

I know it's about growth, evolution.... him, me, us. Well... we are evolving... we just don't know to what exactly.

He's a good man.

Blessed

2005-12-25T08:48:00.000-08:00

I have a mixed bag today, but the thing taking up the most space is gratefulness.

I've been blessed with 3 healthy children - feisty, patience trying, full of life and laughter babies, yes, they'll always be my babies. Watching their delight and excitement this morning fills me up, love that manifests physically in tingles and warmth that starts at the center of your body and radiates outward, ya know? They're all 3 very different, unique little entities you get to watch unfold into 'people'.

My eldest is 12, he's full of opinions and clearly thinks we know nothing - is quite astonished at times we've managed to live this long (how long does that phase last?)... but he's the nice police, the one who steps into the middle of a fight to help a friend who is being picked on by the school bully, he's sensitive... he spent the better part of money he had for a school auction on a Christmas gift for me... two blown glass tree ornaments (I'm a xmas nut). They're beautiful, I cried.

My middle son I've written of here before. Last Christmas he was so sick... he'd stopped eating, I was scared. He's not sick now, stuffing chocolate in his gob as I type actually. He's a character for sure this one. Gregarious and insistent, playful and intuitive... he's been called an Indigo Child... I still have to do more research on this, but there's no question there is something magic about him.

The baby, now 3.... is.... well.... intense. *laughing* He's the child of extremes.... the sweetest warmest child, nuzzled into you and showering you with kisses with the cutest little cherub face... also the first to take out his brother cuz he has the toy he wants or pitch a full-blown fit at the word 'no' - there's nothing tentative about him, the love he exudes and the will he demonstrates! *laughing*

I have a husband who loves me, has for 20+ years... the kind of love women dream of, he adores me. We're struggling right now, many of you know that, but I think the world of him. He's a good man, he's my friend and lover, he's a wonderful Father, he's kind, his heart is good, I'm blessed.

Family... I had parents who gave me so much. The way they made me feel safe, loved, secure... how they passed on their strength and gave me belief in myself are gifts I am acutely aware of. I so miss them. My parents-in-law accepted me and loved me like their daughter... miss Mom terribly... Dad is trying hard to go on... I ache when I think of my children not knowing such amazing souls... but traditions are passed down and their energy is ever present. Siblings and inlaws and the products of their love *giggling* fill up my world too, I'm a lucky girl, for sure.

Friends...I have a handful of people in addition to those above who have taken up residence in my heart, people who have touched me, people I'd go to the mat for, people who stand in the center of the fire and don't shrink back.

I love you so... and I'm loved.

Yup, blessed.

Men In Their Natural Habitat

2005-12-08T10:35:00.000-08:00

I overheard this conversation today... guys discussing a chick... we'll call her "Jane". The guys didn't know I was there - was really funny when they finally saw me, but anyway... wonder what the girlies would think about being the topic of such a conversation...would ya like it, not?

4 men, two in their 20's, one in his 30's and one just over 40
3 single, 1 married with a child
a male environment, heightened testosterone

I couldn't always tell which of the men was speaking, but the conversation went something like this:

"did you see Jane today?"

"fuck yes! never get tired of seeing those"

"damn!"

"you think she's the real deal, think she closes the sale or it's false advertising?"

"hmmm... hard to say for sure"

"fuck off... you think she's just a CT? come on! she's clearly sexual, oozes it - not that you could handle her anyway"

**** laughing and poking fun like guys do****

"ya, I think she's a dirty girl, I'd fuckin ruin her given the chance"

"she talks like a guy, doesn't seem to scare easy"

"ya, she's really funny, just relax"

"nah, you won't offend her, don't worry - hell she'll probably make YOU blush"

**** jeering laughter and I"m sure I heard a slap on the back****

Oh... And...

2005-12-07T15:07:00.000-08:00

While I'm in bitching and complaining mode, can I just say I'm so fucking tired of this industrial waste snot! I've been sick for about 2 weeks, my poor nose fits the Rudolph season oh so well at the moment, and if I never sneeze again it will be too soon.

OK, I'm done whining.

Breathing Space

2005-12-07T14:49:00.000-08:00

Ya know when your head is full and your heart is heavy and it never feels like you actually exhale completely? That's where I am.

I want a little space... just me, where I don't have to be anything for anyone - just a for a little while, just so I can finally breathe fully in, and fully out.

I miss time alone. What little time I did have was during my commute - but that lasted only a couple of months before my niece wanted to ride with me. Come the new year, I will be once again driving alone - and I can't wait to have a little time alone with my thoughts, fears, desires.

I've Lost Focus

2005-12-05T06:32:00.000-08:00

I think in life we learn along the way the things that... work for us in keeping us grounded, focussed, whole. Sure life always throws some shit our way and we get a little off kilter, that's part of living fully awake. But if we've got that grounding, we're like those big inflated clown things with the weight in the bottom, we blow around in the wind, even fall over, but we pop back up, ya know.

This last year, I stopped doing those things I know provide me with grounding. My life got busy, more demands, transitions, unknowns... and I just... slowly stopped feeding my Spirit. I so SO know better than this. I know what happens, and here I am... not quite whole, feeling a little lost, life out of focus, blurry.

Here's what I miss:

getting my 5 workouts in a week - regularly, consistently - this is about showing respect for my body
reflecting time... sometimes meditation, sometimes reading something to reinforce my chosen belief system, quiet peaceful time to breathe - alone!
more outside time - earth energy is powerful, I need it, I know this, I've neglected it too long
writing time - also something that has been... rushed, slipped in... it needs it's own space in the pie chart of my life
one-on-one time with my babies... each of them so different, all full of life in the way only children know

I'm doing that counselling thing. I've done a few different types in my lifetime, for specific reasons, always highly successful in moving me forward. For me, it's a way of taking time to look at myself, my life, my direction.

Wine Speak

2005-11-26T18:23:00.000-08:00

I'm 3/4 of a bottle into it tonight. It's a fabulous red wine that has become synonymous with a soul I've come to love.

Why is it outlook changes after a few?

This instant, I feel... content, hopeful, safe.

My life feels anything but at the moment.

Feeling LOVE though...

*smiling*

Happy Anniversary

2005-11-25T12:59:00.000-08:00

I met this wonderful soul, around the US Thanksgiving...

Not sure if he invited me or I invited him - really though... we invited each other.

He touched me then.

He touches me still.

We've become friends.

We can say one word and it can be a whole conversation.

We danced.

Sometimes, we 'talk' every day.

Sometimes we go a week or two or three or more without real contact.

We always come back to each other.

He has quite a following, I completely understand why!

He has a generous spirit and a wise soul.

He is imaginative, creative, adventurous - in life, in sex, in love, in his writing.

Sometimes we talk the deep stuff, the life stuff, the scary stuff.

We share... sometimes we cry.

We tell each other the truth - even if the other doesn't really wanna hear it.

We trust. We know secrets.

We know how to have fun with each other.

Sometimes we laugh. Sometimes we laugh a lot!

We've been as sexual as I have ever been without actually being sexual.

I still owe him a picture, in a red dress. I haven't forgotten.

He knows too much.

He has... enlightened me more than once.

I'm grateful for you everyday my friend, and blessed that the universe crossed our paths!

Mystic Longing

Weary

ala Pink Floyd

Mama Mia Mammogram

Where Have All the Stories Gone?

*sigh of relief*

It's Not Working!

Morning Meditation

It is.... what it is

My Dad...

I want to live fully awake

Taking A Page...

What a difference a day makes!

My Father's Eyes

Perfect Timing...

Brilliant Lyrics

Alone With Truth

So my Sister sent me this... I cried

Exercise

What If?

The Fly

White Flag

Moments Past

Seeking and Peaceful

Rituals

Let It Rain

Choices

The Man in the Moon is SMILING!

Catch Up

Testosterone Fan I am I am

ala C

I Got The Music In Me

CS Lipstick... uh huh

Every morning....

Sally Girl

Rain

And today....

Wake up Juice

Koda

My Writing Delinquency

Koda

Enchanted Captivated Stimulated Curious

So I heard on the news this morning

I don't usually do this, but...

Silly Tidbits

November 4th

A Moment In Time

Befuddled and Bewildered

Oh Whatever!

Poor Planning!

No Bias Here

BACK

Introducing Koda

Update!

Faith

Puppy Please

Early Warning System

Pussy Party

Fairy Cards

Papa, Can You Hear Me?

S

Attraction...

I Am Demon Woman

The Invitation... Again

Privacy? Secrets? Disclosure? Transparency?

Mama, Can You Hear Me?

Lunge Sadism

Shake Your Booty

I Know Nothing

Blessed

Men In Their Natural Habitat

Oh... And...

Breathing Space

I've Lost Focus

Wine Speak

Happy Anniversary

sigh of relief