What If?
Maybe it's meant to be a struggle? Maybe we are supposed to be floundering, bashing against the rocks in a sometimes futile swim upstream? I never believed this before - I suppose I don't now, it's just a need to understand.
But, fuck if I know. I wrote here once that the older I get the less I know.
I used to know contentment. There was this quiet little center of me that was unwavering. Even if trauma arose, which it did, there was this quiet knowing inside. I don't have it now, that contented peace inside.
I want desperately to feel that again. It breeds a sense of being capable, a sense of empowerment, and a peace for clear thought and being. I think what scares me the most, is the thought of resignation to not ever having it again.
For a woman who has spent her entire life believing that we create our world, our lives - I am searching for how I am 'here' in my life. How is it that chaos and lack of peace and a general sense of not being able to keep head above water has taken up residence in my life? And it isn't in only one area of my life, it's everywhere I look.
I'm tired. That fly trying to get through that window in the house didn't die for lack of want or lack of trying, he died because he couldn't see another way, so he just kept trying what he knew.
What if what I know isn't enough?
But, fuck if I know. I wrote here once that the older I get the less I know.
I used to know contentment. There was this quiet little center of me that was unwavering. Even if trauma arose, which it did, there was this quiet knowing inside. I don't have it now, that contented peace inside.
I want desperately to feel that again. It breeds a sense of being capable, a sense of empowerment, and a peace for clear thought and being. I think what scares me the most, is the thought of resignation to not ever having it again.
For a woman who has spent her entire life believing that we create our world, our lives - I am searching for how I am 'here' in my life. How is it that chaos and lack of peace and a general sense of not being able to keep head above water has taken up residence in my life? And it isn't in only one area of my life, it's everywhere I look.
I'm tired. That fly trying to get through that window in the house didn't die for lack of want or lack of trying, he died because he couldn't see another way, so he just kept trying what he knew.
What if what I know isn't enough?
posted by MysticSpirit (Sass) at 7:45 AM
4 Comments:
none of us are ever enough. You come closer than about anyone else I've ever known. That's as close as you can get.
Stand in the fire my love, stand in the fire
edge is right you know, but i have to add something honey. i don't know how old you are really but i do know that i am older than you. we have different histories but we are women. another thing we have in common is that we are aware of ourselves and as well as others around us.
there are things that women go through physically, physiologically, that affect us more than we want them to, especially when they make us doubt. that doubt can be hard to dispel. you may be in a transition time of your life. try not to worry, but worry if you need too, take it by the balls and yeah, stand in the fire.
As the Buddha said, life is suffering. Actually, the word used encompasses everything including those transcendant moments of joy, but, over everything, there is a general patina of suffering. Most suffering arises from attachments, demanding an expected result but being frustrated by forces outside our control.
I'm finally checking back in here to see how you're doing. I'll have to catch up, but I hope you are mostly well. Yes, life always presents challenges. One day at a time. Everything changes.
I think that we are meant to stuggle and founder and fall. That's how we learn. It's seldom clear right away what the lesson is, but eventually, it comes. I would like to think that's how it works.
Post a Comment
<< Home