It is.... what it is

I'm trying to just.... BE with what is.

My logical mind, my ego, is loud though huh? It wants justice, it wants to scream loudly that it isn't fair, it wants others to stand up and say "this is not right damn it!".

Why is that? Why is it that I have yet to be able to make you irrelevant? It isn't that I really care what you think. It isn't that your being absent from my life has left a void. I don't still miss you and want your friendship, I already let that go.

Is it that I've let the person go but not the hurt? What is this ache about, really?

It is a basic human condition to want to be loved and accepted. I want to be loved and accepted. I am neither loved nor accepted by you.

When we are shunned, we want to know why. I do not know what has allowed you to discard me like I was nothing. The contempt in your eyes is piercing, your inability to make eye contact for longer than a second or two is revealing, and as hurt and angry as I am, I do feel pity for you.

We want to know why because it helps us to accept the reality. Also, it's how we learn, how we assess.... What is my part? How did I contribute to this outcome? What could I have done differently? What might I choose differently next time, or not?

What is my struggle? I want to know. I want to ANSWER whatever ACCUSATIONS you have. I feel like I'm chasing a ghost. I fear being judged by people we both love based on untruths, and I want ALL of this to be out loud and in the light. I want to be held accountable for my actions and who I am - not your fears/feelings - untruths turned to fact. I want transparency.

There's that justice thing again huh?

The reality is that I may never have the opportunity to do that. The reality is that people will believe whatever they choose based on their own experience in life and with me.

Accepting or not accepting what IS does not change anything except the level of torment I'm living with. What IS simply IS. How I feel about it, how I choose to deal with it, is what determines my suffering or not.

So knowing all that intellectually, and believing it spiritually, why is it I am currently unable to let go completely?

The ego craves justice because we believe justice will help us let go - of the person, the situation, the pain. The catch? There is no way AROUND the pain - the pain.... IS. And the only way to truly let go and find peace, is to stop trying to fight what is - feel the betrayal, the fear of not being enough, the uncertainty of who will stand in the fire and who will shrink back, the ache of loss.

I have to grieve the belief I held that this is not something you would do. You have done it, are doing it. That... IS. I realize what I believed to be true of you, was not correct or is no longer true. The betrayal I feel is based on my perception that we had a mutual love and friendship for each other, since revealed to have been quite a mistaken perception. I need to learn to trust myself again.

So I'm not yet at that complete disconnect and let go place. But maybe I can be at 'I release it to be what IS without constantly trying to make it something else'. Maybe I can just BE, just notice and feel without fighting it so much, without trying with such desperation to make it something other than what it really is.

I think I've arrived at acceptance.