I am ME.

Today, I'm taking my SELF back.

When you stopped loving me, I let you make me believe I was less than. 

When you told others lies about me, I let myself feel shame for something I did not do.  I stayed quiet.

I became smaller, quieter, less seen. 
I became fearful and timid.
I stopped believing in myself.
I questioned everything.
I felt unworthy, I did not matter.
I closed.
I died inside.

I let you snuff the SPIRIT of ME.  I let myself be censored, be shamed, be scorned and I let you break me. I let your fear shape me.  

My heart broke, my spirit followed. I existed.

You cannot hurt me any more.  I will not let you.

It stops today.

I am me - deal with it!

I matter.
I am strong.
I am loving.
I am deserving of love.
I am generous.
I am supportive.
I am kind.
I am ethical.
I am fun.
I am alive.
I am open.
I am wild.
I am enthusiastic.
I am encouraging.
I am vulnerable.
I am light.
I am loved.
I am me.
ME.

*sigh of relief*

I have arrived at that place I was so impatient to reach.

I have finally let you go. What you think, what you want, what you feel is no longer of any concern to me.

I do not feel my body tense when your name is mentioned. When I hear of some judgement you have made of me, it doesn't... penetrate, doesn't hurt. The ache is gone.

The entire situation is no less sad, it just... IS. And what it is most... is... not mine.

*smiling*

Peace.

It's Not Working!

the meditation...

ya...

not so much...

with the....

working!

*chuckling*

Morning Meditation

Wise Ones, passed on before me: grant me the serenity,courage and wisdom:

• to accept what IS
• to deal with her with compassion and grace while still standing strong
• to hold my head up without putting her out of my heart, as I am clearly out of hers
• to respect my Self without making another wrong
• to remain open
• to let go

It is.... what it is

I'm trying to just.... BE with what is.

My logical mind, my ego, is loud though huh? It wants justice, it wants to scream loudly that it isn't fair, it wants others to stand up and say "this is not right damn it!".

Why is that? Why is it that I have yet to be able to make you irrelevant? It isn't that I really care what you think. It isn't that your being absent from my life has left a void. I don't still miss you and want your friendship, I already let that go.

Is it that I've let the person go but not the hurt? What is this ache about, really?

It is a basic human condition to want to be loved and accepted. I want to be loved and accepted. I am neither loved nor accepted by you.

When we are shunned, we want to know why. I do not know what has allowed you to discard me like I was nothing. The contempt in your eyes is piercing, your inability to make eye contact for longer than a second or two is revealing, and as hurt and angry as I am, I do feel pity for you.

We want to know why because it helps us to accept the reality. Also, it's how we learn, how we assess.... What is my part? How did I contribute to this outcome? What could I have done differently? What might I choose differently next time, or not?

What is my struggle? I want to know. I want to ANSWER whatever ACCUSATIONS you have. I feel like I'm chasing a ghost. I fear being judged by people we both love based on untruths, and I want ALL of this to be out loud and in the light. I want to be held accountable for my actions and who I am - not your fears/feelings - untruths turned to fact. I want transparency.

There's that justice thing again huh?

The reality is that I may never have the opportunity to do that. The reality is that people will believe whatever they choose based on their own experience in life and with me.

Accepting or not accepting what IS does not change anything except the level of torment I'm living with. What IS simply IS. How I feel about it, how I choose to deal with it, is what determines my suffering or not.

So knowing all that intellectually, and believing it spiritually, why is it I am currently unable to let go completely?

The ego craves justice because we believe justice will help us let go - of the person, the situation, the pain. The catch? There is no way AROUND the pain - the pain.... IS. And the only way to truly let go and find peace, is to stop trying to fight what is - feel the betrayal, the fear of not being enough, the uncertainty of who will stand in the fire and who will shrink back, the ache of loss.

I have to grieve the belief I held that this is not something you would do. You have done it, are doing it. That... IS. I realize what I believed to be true of you, was not correct or is no longer true. The betrayal I feel is based on my perception that we had a mutual love and friendship for each other, since revealed to have been quite a mistaken perception. I need to learn to trust myself again.

So I'm not yet at that complete disconnect and let go place. But maybe I can be at 'I release it to be what IS without constantly trying to make it something else'. Maybe I can just BE, just notice and feel without fighting it so much, without trying with such desperation to make it something other than what it really is.

I think I've arrived at acceptance.

I'm beginning to let go, I can feel it. After a year of trying to understand, trying to obtain information about why you have discarded me... I am starting to disinvest. Over time, what will happen is that I will no longer care why or what caused it. It simply will not matter... in time.


D pointed something out to me:

When your husband began acting strangely, I was there.

When you believed your husband (my brother) lied and cheated on you, I was there.

When your husband left, I was there.

When you needed help talking to your husband about your children, I was there.

When you needed someone to believe in you, I was there.

When you needed money, I gave it to you.

When your son was in the hospital, I was there.

The next time, it will not be you I am there for - my energy will be only for the children.

I will find a way to let go. because the survival of my Spirit requires it.

I want to live fully awake

from Oriah's book The Call, page 32

"Walking asleep, moving in the world disconnected from our essential core, can be dangerous; it means our choices are based not on an accurate picture of what is but on what we want or fear is true. At best, actions based on an inaccurate picture of what is are unlikely to succeed in creating the change we desire. At worst, they will create greater suffering."

and

"Beyond the obvious choices to move away from what is by using a variety of substances – food, alcohol, nicotine, drugs, caffeine – the culturally preferred way of making sure we don’t wake up is to keep ourselves perpetually exhausted with constant activity, endless work, and the consumption of overwhelming amounts of information: to DO continually."

Perfect Timing...

My husband found me last night while we were doing different things, to share with me something he heard from Wayne Dyer:

*

I would rather be loathed for who I am than

loved for who I'm not

*

Mr. Dyer said in one sentence what I was trying to say down there in the "Faithless" post. It's his affirmation for dealing with family drama. Fascinating huh? *chuckling* It's a simple sentence, simple message. Simple isn't the same as easy, but there is a huge peace in that kind of simple truth.

*

I will not be someone I'm not so you are more comfortable. Deal with it.

*smiling*

It's a strange thing to be faced with an attack on character, based not on fact, but on a feeling.

My very best friends are those who can call a great big BULLSHIT when required. I need that. I'm ...uhmmm... a rather strong individual, kinda passionate about my views... I need people around me who don't get bowled over, who get up in my face when necessary.

I listen, I assess, I determine if perhaps I need to suck back and reload, or if I'm still convinced of my position. I like debate, I want to be challenged. But regardless, my heart intends help not hurt.

When you are disparaged, when your person is attacked and hear through a third party that someone who claims to love you has an issue with you but doesn't value the relationship enough to say something to you, it's tough to put in perspective huh?

Attacks on character can shake you. Indirect attacks are harder still. I went through a questioning time, where I didn't trust my instincts, my perceptions.

My integrity was in question, my intentions... and it required my questioning myself to determine if I had, indeed, wronged someone. I had to be willing to assess what was in my heart, what I said, what I did... I had to be willing to ask those who were there if their perception matched - in any way - those of the accuser.

I recognize I can be overbearing. I know I talk through stress. I can completely see how this may be irritating to some. Last time I checked, people who love each other SAY something in a situation like that. Let's practise together:

"hey C, you've been talking for 20 minutes straight, shut up will ya?" in a playful but I mean it tone

or... perhaps...

" I know you feel strongly about this, I appreciate you love enough to say so and to ask questions, but I'm kinda overwhelmed with input at the moment, so can you back off please?"

There. That wasn't so hard was it?

"I want to know if you can be faithless, and therefore trustworthy"

-from The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer



Faithless: Willing to break an agreement previously made in order to be true to your own soul.

This is not an easy thing to do. Oriah says it's not "comfortable'.
She's right.
It isn't.

But, if we value truth in our lives, then there are times we have to make a decision to be true to ourselves even if another will see it as betrayal and be hurt. The alternative is to pretend you feel/want differently and betray yourself instead.

I can be faithless.
I do not take it lightly.
It has a price.
There is cost.
Sometimes a huge cost.

I would rather have a few impeccable relationships of depth and meaning than any in which I am required to compromise who I am or where pretense is the priority rather than substance. I want to stand in the fire, I want those I love to stand with me. There is no in between - either you will stand in the fire or you won't.

My goal is not to make things appear OK while burying the magnitude of hurt between us, it is to actually be OK. This cannot be accomplished by one person in a relationship, it requires both parties to be willing to truly see themselves and the other - in all our humanness - and work through the details that lead us back to OK.


I know that what you chose in that moment, and what you seem to be continuing to choose, came from a place of fear. I have compassion for the wounded soul that in those moments of trauma needed someone to blame because facing the reality was too much to carry. I can forgive that in those moments you chose to blame me. What I cannot understand is that you have not - now that time has passed since the trauma - reassessed... self assessed... investigated the facts to see if, perhaps, you judged too quickly and in contradiction to the truth.

And I know I have my own humanness, my own ways that are not for everyone, my own human failings. I believe my 'sins' as you listed them, are all things that could have been addressed quickly and easily with a simple conversation. I think your trouble with me is much less about these 'sins' and much more about fear of your own demons and, if you're honest with yourself, a lack of respect for who I am, which you are absolutely entitled to but have yet to own.

My perception is, I'm sure, very different than yours. From where I stand, you were judge, jury, and executioner to me without the benefit of any investigation into the assumptions you made or even the courtesy of a conversation with me about your concerns. Rather, you talked to others whom we both love about the conclusions you jumped to in a moment of fear. And you felt (feel?) justified in doing so. During that time and as a result of it, I was unwelcome in my own family, an outsider. You will either hold on to your blame - accurate or not - or you will desire our both investigating the truth - of the facts and of our mutual humanness.


So where does my being faithless come in? In order to be true to myself, I cannot continue to attend the big family functions and just... pretend. You seem to want to continue as if nothing has changed. For me, a great deal has changed. I saw a side of you that makes judgements in an instant without regard for fact or reality. I was discarded... collateral damage of the war you fight with your demons and/or a desperate attempt to hide from them.


While I knew the part of you that jumps to conclusions and loved you anyway, I had no idea you were capable of turning these conclusions into fact without turning back, without being willing to look at the details and the possibility of error. I find that scary. Knowing that, I do not trust you. Unless we choose to face this out loud together, I fully expect that when the alternative of facing some current challenge is too hard for you, I would once again be the scape goat, be thrown under the bus.

I am not capable of pretending and I do not want to teach my children that pretending is an acceptable choice when dealing with hurts in relationships. I am not willing to spend vacation times in a setting where I cannot freely be myself, where I feel unwelcome, not valued, not respected. My idea of family is quite different than that.

So, we will not be attending.

I'm still working through the fall out emotionally. I do not claim victory or righteousness. Far from it - this is all very sad. I do not hate you, nor do I wish you ill. I am hurt, still stunned at what strikes me as a shocking, mind boggling circumstance. I worked hard to not put you out of my heart. I'm still working on holding you in it - it will take time.

I stood in the center of the fire with you when others did not. I did not shrink back. I stood up when the pain in your life was so severe you could not. I sacrificed a great deal for you. You either see that, value that, or you don't. That fire is yours now.

Seeking and Peaceful

Many moons ago, a psychic told me I was a seeker. I have endless questions about life, living, the mystery of the universe, connection, the human condition. The word "why" passes over these lips like you'd expect from a 3 year old encountering the world for the first time.

There have been times in my life when the relentless questions have left me exhausted and confused. Even after some answers are revealed, there is still mystery all around us - it's part of the wonder of living huh?

Lately, I'm no less filled with questions than usual, but I am much more.... at peace. I feel as though I'm in transition, in the process of transforming - though how and what, I cannot yet say... but I'm sure looking forward to it. *chuckling*

Choices

I know I've been delinquent. Much MUCH has happened, as often does in a year of a person's life huh? I need to do this more. I need the outlet - creative and practical. I need to read y'all more too - much has happened for you too, as I can see from the stop ins I make when I steal a moment. You are wise.

Things happen in your life sometimes that challenge the core of who you are. You find yourself asking questions about your true motivations and if there is a carefully constructed reality surrounding you or if you really DO look at the world eyes open. I'm still sorting this one.

Someone special keeps referring to the sfbb - my husband is reading one too (wonder if it's the same one). We're also exploring (or re-exploring) Tolle's newest book and others like it - The Four Agreements, The Invitation, The Dance.

Peace.
It feels good to be back.

Befuddled and Bewildered

I'm having a gump moment

You know.... that whole....

"I don't know who's right Jenny... if it's Mama or Lt. Dan... I don't know if it's destiny or if we're all floatin along accidental like on a breeze"

thing

Ya, that

You know those moments when everything falls into place, when for just that moment in time there is clarity, peace, contentment... when everything makes sense and things are as they should be... when all the muscles in your body are fluid and relaxed... when you sleep that deep restful sleep that leaves you fresh and full of energy... when you understand how you fit in the world and your philosophies are in tune with you and your surroundings?

This isn't one of those moments!

I feel like I'm in a vortex. It's almost an out of body experience. Who is SHE and what the fuck is she doing with my life?

I crave simplicity, just for a while. Boring sounds kinda tempting in this instant. (Hush Edge, I KNOW I KNOW!)

OK... Deeeeeep Breath.... Ready or not Day, here I come.

(I think the Day is ready just fine, it's ME that needs more time!) *laughing*

I Know Nothing

I have decided the older I get, the less I know. I remember how clear the world was at 18. Damn! I knew everything then!!! All the complicated issues in the world were black and white, defined, positioned in neat and tidy little slots. It isn't only the grey in my hair that is increasing as I age!

I still have beliefs... I still hold them close... though it doesn't always come easy... but I don't KNOW anything.

I believe...

• that we create our world based on what we think
• that what we spend time thinking, is what we draw to our lives
• that being aware of our thoughts isn't always easy
• that things happen for a reason, even when we don't know what it is
• that we can 'choose' to be content by how we choose to think, that we paint our perceptions
• that what we 'feel' is filtered through our thought process and then either accepted and cherished, or rejected and released
• that when we hold on to negative, it somehow serves us to do so and learning what we 'get' from keeping negative in our lives is imperative in learning to release it and create what we truly desire
• that it isn't always easy to know what our true motivations are
• that even when we know, it isn't always easy to admit
• that if we spent more time nourishing our spirits and less time trying to fill ourselves up from the outside, we'd be much more content
• that we are enriched in different ways by different people, each touching us in a unique way, each providing some combination of the human element necessary to feel alive
• that you can be intimately connected to more than one person, unable to imagine your life without each of them
• that emotional trauma is a catalyst for evolution
• that a relationship (be it spousal, friendship, family, lover, friend or any combination of the lot) can fade even if neither party has done anything wrong, that you can love that person insanely and still not be able to make it work
• that you can hold a person in your heart forever, that some touches leave imprints that are permanent
• that sometimes fear of the unknown makes people stay in a safer place, even if it isn't fulfilling
• that I have to have passion in my life to feel whole - passion for life, for adventure, for love, for laughing, for lust

Darkness

Ever notice that darkness seems to descend into your life in multiples? One huge life thing, then another then another. I call it compound crisis - where you don't have time to process one trauma before another is presented. So you shelve the processing to deal with the immediate. Think of a bookshelf - you put a few books there, then more, then some more.... eventually, it's so full all the books come tumbling down on your head, you're buried by them and can't find yourself or a way out. I've lived that collapse. I don't want to do it again.

So the challenge is to somehow manage to return to the shelf and read through the jumble of emotions - fear, pain, confusion, anger and more - to find a way to assimilate all of it into some sense of order, or at least into a form of something we can accept, often while feeling very alone and weary.