Relationships - uhm.... oi

That's one very big word, and one very volatile event. The good ones inspire intensity, and even the good ones have darkness sometimes. The primary relationship is something that can take us to the most euphoric, blissful place and land us in the rip-your-insides-out-and-stomp-on-em place.

My primary relationship? It's remarkable. I've always known it really, but the more people I talk to about their relationships, the more I realize how incredibly rare what we have really is. Twenty years together, and... we still like each other, are still in love, and still have phenomenal sex. Do we have fights? Hell yes. Do we go through periods of time where we feel disconnected, where we hurt and disappoint each other? Of course.

So why are we so good together? Well... the oversimplified answer is we're well matched. Some specific things (in no particular order) that I think make us work...

• We've always allowed each other 'individuality' - there's an understanding that we each need time away, that we don't 'own' each other
• We actually LIKE each other as people. Still. I mean... if we weren't married, he's absolutely the type of person I'd have as a friend. I think he's cool. I'm interested in his opinion about things in the world and his perspective on things
• Our ability to laugh... at ourselves, at the world, at the inevitable fuck-ups encountered in the process of living (btw, he makes me laugh like no one else, cracks me up)
• We call bullshit when we see it, hear it, feel it.... there's no dancing around stuff, we both know ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away
• We self assess before we jump... just because I FEEL something doesn't mean it's HIM or HE has to change something... and the reverse, of course
• There's an intuitive thing, a perceptiveness that's evolved over time, we can read each other well
• We're well matched where it matters... our core values are similar, there are things we enjoy together that touch us deeply (music for instance), we have similar sex drives (don't discount this one, it's a big one!)
• We respect our differences - *laughing* we are quite opposite in many ways, but we laugh about it and... well... we take turns!
• Neither of us got together wanting to change the other
• We understand that sometimes sex is a solo event and neither of us gets offended by one wanting to go it alone
• Yes, we are in love... madly, deeply, no question. I don't want to be married to anyone else.
• This one usually gets folks wound up, but I believe without question it's part of why we are so content in our marriage. We hold the philosophy that humans are not innately monogamous. We are not swingers (not that I have a judgement about that should consenting adults choose it) we do not go looking for partners or attend parties/retreats where spouse swapping is the main event. And, it's not even a common occurrence for that matter. But, we are 'allowed', should an opportunity present itself, to explore sexually with other people. We know that being sexual with someone doesn't diminish what we share or what we mean to each other, not at all. It infuses our sexual life, our personal energy, our intimate connection. That's a tough one for people to understand sometimes, I know. This choice comes with its own set of complexities of course. We have set a criteria that works best for us, and it's evolved over the years along with our bond. It takes profound self awareness and exceptional communication for it to work, it's not always easy, and it's not something I claim everyone should choose... it works for us.

Primary relationships are so very complicated, clearly there are other elements of 'us" that contribute to our still being together and still wanting to be. But, that's the overview I think.