Hospice
A place to die.
Fuck.
Typing that was a bitch.
She goes to the hospice this week.
We go this weekend to see her.
I can't escape that seeing her, feeling her - means feeling all of it all over again.
They are synonymous, I cannot separate them.
It's why I've been a little... removed.
I remember being scared to feel it then too - like if I let any little piece of it in, it would overwhelm me, I'd drown in it.
I had this great reason not to let it in too - I had to be strong for Mom, strong for Dad, strong for sister and brother who couldn't be the strong one.
And I am.
7 years. 5 years. Each like it was yesterday - like it is today - when I look into her eyes.
It will hit me - always does... where I can't contain it anymore and someone who knows me will see it in my eyes, and ask just right, or simply tell me they see - the release will come.
Never have let another hold me up too well - doesn't mean I don't want it though.
Fuck.
Typing that was a bitch.
She goes to the hospice this week.
We go this weekend to see her.
I can't escape that seeing her, feeling her - means feeling all of it all over again.
They are synonymous, I cannot separate them.
It's why I've been a little... removed.
I remember being scared to feel it then too - like if I let any little piece of it in, it would overwhelm me, I'd drown in it.
I had this great reason not to let it in too - I had to be strong for Mom, strong for Dad, strong for sister and brother who couldn't be the strong one.
And I am.
7 years. 5 years. Each like it was yesterday - like it is today - when I look into her eyes.
It will hit me - always does... where I can't contain it anymore and someone who knows me will see it in my eyes, and ask just right, or simply tell me they see - the release will come.
Never have let another hold me up too well - doesn't mean I don't want it though.
Labels: The C Word
posted by MysticSpirit (Sass) at 8:33 PM
13 Comments:
yes...
i'm sorry babe.
though it sounds so inadequate to say.
that was me
-sn
I am so moved by this posting. I am so sorry about the injustice of this disease.
With you in spirit.
you let enough people surround you it's not like they're holding you up, there is just nowhere to fall but into them
I dontthink I oculd say it better then edge just did. Thinking of you.
Big hugs for you.
I don't know quite what to say - thank you *smiling*
My favorite author is Elizabeth Berg. She writes like no other author... she writes like the thoughts that run through our heads. She is amazing.
She wrote a book called Talk Before Sleep.
You need to read this book.
The release will come...
I wasn't sure what to say at first. You've been there before. So have I.
If the hospice offers respite for family members and some measure of comfort to your MIL, then good.
As for the process, it is one we all face. I think of it as the penny dropping, when we wake up to the inside joke.
But I am sorry for your pain.
I'm so, so sorry.
If you need anything, I'll be here.
Thinking of you and hoping your ok.
I am so sorry that I haven't said it sooner, but I hate that you have to go through this, especially since is something that is not new to you. I hope you can find some joy in this time of dispair.
Interesting blog. You make some good points. You might be interested in alvita herbal tea. There's a vague connection to what's been discussed here.
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