Disconnected
I've decided all of this would be easier if we were mad at each other. If there was some brooding anger or hatred... if I could say some hugely condemning thing about his person, if I thought he was an asshole, if I didn't' believe in the goodness of his soul... maybe this wouldn't feel like someone has sliced me open.
What I do feel is... sad. I don't have the answers. I don't know if we have grown in different directions to the degree that we are incongruent. I think we both have some resentments. Perhaps we want different things. I don't know if we can find our way back to each other through the storm swirling around us, or even if we both truly want to.
I do know when I think of him not in my life, I feel this enormous weight in my centre. I do know I feel confused about what I want, about how to make that happen. And the word 'should' seems to be hovering, though I can't see anything clearly in this moment in time. I feel like everything I say, everything I do - regardless of my intention - is hurting him in some way... and that is becoming very difficult to live with.
So I surrender - to what is meant to be. I have faith that we will be ok - be it together or not. I believe we have to experience whatever all this is in order take the next step - whatever that might be - together or apart.
I can, however, have faith and feel scared at the same time can't I?
What I do feel is... sad. I don't have the answers. I don't know if we have grown in different directions to the degree that we are incongruent. I think we both have some resentments. Perhaps we want different things. I don't know if we can find our way back to each other through the storm swirling around us, or even if we both truly want to.
I do know when I think of him not in my life, I feel this enormous weight in my centre. I do know I feel confused about what I want, about how to make that happen. And the word 'should' seems to be hovering, though I can't see anything clearly in this moment in time. I feel like everything I say, everything I do - regardless of my intention - is hurting him in some way... and that is becoming very difficult to live with.
So I surrender - to what is meant to be. I have faith that we will be ok - be it together or not. I believe we have to experience whatever all this is in order take the next step - whatever that might be - together or apart.
I can, however, have faith and feel scared at the same time can't I?
posted by MysticSpirit (Sass) at 3:10 PM
2 Comments:
Pressures bring out any latent dysfunctions. The challenges, the crucible, are what help define key relationships.
It's okay to have faith and feel scared. Sometimes there are arms to hold you, sometimes not.
I'm confident you'll work it out. You're a smart, articulate woman. Change does happen. But sometimes its possible to continue to find common ground, enough to sustain. Sometimes not. Listen to your heart, your gut, and I mean REALLY listen. It's usually a pretty good guide. And give it the time it deserves. My thoughts are with you.
I too believe that you can have faith and hope for the future working out in a manner that is right for all concerned, and still be very afraid of that at the same time.
I've read you for awhile and believe that you are an intelligent, and beautiful woman. You'll work this all out with the same skills you have brought to your life in the past.
Hugs!
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