I got into a conversation the other day about the arrangements of my marriage. The question I got - the one I often get when I choose to share this part of my life - is "why get married at all if you're going to fuck other people?" ... as if that alone defines the merit of a relationship, as if sex is the only thing a marriage has to offer - it baffles me. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand asking questions - it's unusual - so people are curious how we got here, why we choose it, how it works, what the pitfalls are.
Our relationship sometimes seems to strike fear into people. It's like if they find a way to be OK with it, all the romanticized, picture-perfect notions of 'love' they hang on to so tightly will disappear along with their hope for true connection and belonging. It's as though in their heads or hearts, true love for a life partner and desire for sexual exploration with another cannot coexist, like one negates the possibility of the other. Not surprisingly, men seem to have an easier time with it than women. Often though, they like the idea from a one-sided perspective *laughing*
Even before our relationship evolved into what it now is (yes, it evolved, we didn't just way up one day and say "hey, let's fuck other people!") I didn't understand the need to believe that one person can (and should) fill you up, be your everything. It just doesn't make sense to me that 'real love' must be void of longing for anything but that one person or what he can provide.
My husband is my life partner, I don't want to join in that way with anyone else. We share life - all that life is. We share the responsibilities and the rewards. the pain and the joy, the mundane day-to-day and the moments of exceptional. We share our babies, and together plot the course of our family. We are intensely intimate - physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Our thoughts and fears and desires are exposed to the other, we have a profound respect for each other as individuals. That I share levels of intimacy with others on occasion (or he does) does not in any way diminish all of the above or the love we feel for each other. Intimacy, by the way, can be close friendships of a non-sexual nature, as well as a tryst, and all the in betweens. So if you carry forward that intimacy with another is a threat, then wouldn't close friendships also be off limits?
It's not that I feel the need to justify our choice, I don't. I do have interest in why the concept rubs people so harshly the wrong way. What is so threatening about it? Some of it is obvious, some of it perplexes me. The moral issue will scoop up a big 'ol batch of folk who simply can't stomach it. The naive will still hold to the romance of that magic 'one' being all you'll ever need or want.
I also don't propose that all couples should choose the same road, not at all. I'm not saying 'our way' is better either, it just works for us. My concept of a 'successful' relationship is defined by how well it meets the needs of the parties involved, period. Not if it works for someone else, only if it works for those IN the relationship. We have guidelines, rules - all relationships do, whether they are cognitively chosen and spoken out loud or just evolved, implied, assumed - and we trust the intention of the other... yup, trust and respect.
I get a lot of "there must be something missing" blah blah blah, and I think that's bunk. We give pieces of ourselves to others all the time, it's part of the human condition, we interact, we share, we give, we take. Here's the thing.... no one relationship - be it with a friend, a family member, a lover or a spouse - meets every need one human being will have in a lifetime. Together the people you choose for your inner circle all contribute, all provide some fabulous addition to your world. Loving one friend doesn't diminish another. This is no different.
Our relationship sometimes seems to strike fear into people. It's like if they find a way to be OK with it, all the romanticized, picture-perfect notions of 'love' they hang on to so tightly will disappear along with their hope for true connection and belonging. It's as though in their heads or hearts, true love for a life partner and desire for sexual exploration with another cannot coexist, like one negates the possibility of the other. Not surprisingly, men seem to have an easier time with it than women. Often though, they like the idea from a one-sided perspective *laughing*
Even before our relationship evolved into what it now is (yes, it evolved, we didn't just way up one day and say "hey, let's fuck other people!") I didn't understand the need to believe that one person can (and should) fill you up, be your everything. It just doesn't make sense to me that 'real love' must be void of longing for anything but that one person or what he can provide.
My husband is my life partner, I don't want to join in that way with anyone else. We share life - all that life is. We share the responsibilities and the rewards. the pain and the joy, the mundane day-to-day and the moments of exceptional. We share our babies, and together plot the course of our family. We are intensely intimate - physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Our thoughts and fears and desires are exposed to the other, we have a profound respect for each other as individuals. That I share levels of intimacy with others on occasion (or he does) does not in any way diminish all of the above or the love we feel for each other. Intimacy, by the way, can be close friendships of a non-sexual nature, as well as a tryst, and all the in betweens. So if you carry forward that intimacy with another is a threat, then wouldn't close friendships also be off limits?
It's not that I feel the need to justify our choice, I don't. I do have interest in why the concept rubs people so harshly the wrong way. What is so threatening about it? Some of it is obvious, some of it perplexes me. The moral issue will scoop up a big 'ol batch of folk who simply can't stomach it. The naive will still hold to the romance of that magic 'one' being all you'll ever need or want.
I also don't propose that all couples should choose the same road, not at all. I'm not saying 'our way' is better either, it just works for us. My concept of a 'successful' relationship is defined by how well it meets the needs of the parties involved, period. Not if it works for someone else, only if it works for those IN the relationship. We have guidelines, rules - all relationships do, whether they are cognitively chosen and spoken out loud or just evolved, implied, assumed - and we trust the intention of the other... yup, trust and respect.
I get a lot of "there must be something missing" blah blah blah, and I think that's bunk. We give pieces of ourselves to others all the time, it's part of the human condition, we interact, we share, we give, we take. Here's the thing.... no one relationship - be it with a friend, a family member, a lover or a spouse - meets every need one human being will have in a lifetime. Together the people you choose for your inner circle all contribute, all provide some fabulous addition to your world. Loving one friend doesn't diminish another. This is no different.
posted by MysticSpirit (Sass) at 5:06 PM
8 Comments:
dang - will you marry me?
dang - will you marry me?
It's the same fear that makes so many object to gay marriage. I think it may be because they don't trust themselves, and since they can't control their impulses, they would prefer that nobody gets to play.
By the same token, it does require a tremendous amount of trust on the part of both partners. The heart is a fickle thing, and 'love' has been known to throw a few wrenches into even the best built machines. But then again, monogamy doesn't protect against that possibility either.
The biologists understand, humans weren't made to be monogamous creatures. That state was imposed by the religious thinkers who would prefer to concern themselves with motes in the eyes of others. 'nuff said. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
How do you get over the natural jealousy thing?
I, like Rick, just wouldn't be able to do it. I don't think, anyways. But if you can, and you both understand and are ok with it, then who the hell cares? As long as you're doing what is making you happy and what is making your relationship work then that is what is important. All the power to you huney. :)
Seems to me it's just an excuse to be a slut.
One of dese days Alice ... to da moon!
"Loving one friend doesn't diminish another."
I agree...it teaches you how to love, better than ever!
Like my friend says,
"By loving one person fully, you can learn to love all beings."
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