What If?

Maybe it's meant to be a struggle? Maybe we are supposed to be floundering, bashing against the rocks in a sometimes futile swim upstream? I never believed this before - I suppose I don't now, it's just a need to understand.

But, fuck if I know. I wrote here once that the older I get the less I know.

I used to know contentment. There was this quiet little center of me that was unwavering. Even if trauma arose, which it did, there was this quiet knowing inside. I don't have it now, that contented peace inside.

I want desperately to feel that again. It breeds a sense of being capable, a sense of empowerment, and a peace for clear thought and being. I think what scares me the most, is the thought of resignation to not ever having it again.

For a woman who has spent her entire life believing that we create our world, our lives - I am searching for how I am 'here' in my life. How is it that chaos and lack of peace and a general sense of not being able to keep head above water has taken up residence in my life? And it isn't in only one area of my life, it's everywhere I look.

I'm tired. That fly trying to get through that window in the house didn't die for lack of want or lack of trying, he died because he couldn't see another way, so he just kept trying what he knew.

What if what I know isn't enough?