Connect the dots of your life, of the people you touch and who touch you, of the experiences that shape who you are, of the traumas and the elations and you land yourself at the "you are here" star, like you find at the information centre in a mall or on a tourist map. But still the picture isn't complete... isn't I guess, till we pass over. Something delightful in that, not knowing what the whole picture looks like... hopings and wishings and wonderings of what is to come, who is to touch you.
I've been challenged as of late with the concepts of jealousy and possession, of intimate relationships, of belonging. Things of where lines are drawn - or should be - and all the complexities of emotion that can overwhelm in those moments of reaction when you feel your 'territory' infringed upon. Where does an individual end and a couple begin - or for that matter, in ANY relationship, where does accountability to self weigh in against what another wants?
"I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy."(line from The Invitation, Oriah Mountain Dreamer)
Where is it that my needs and desires end and another's begin? When is it ok to disappoint another, when is it just selfish. That balance, elusive and difficult to maintain once you find it, is a relationship challenge. Obviously, in an open marriage like mine it's present, but I believe it to be present in varying degrees and manifestations in EVERY relationship - with friends, family, lovers, or spouses.
When is a friendship - which has intimate moments of course - a threat to another relationship? If I have a friend with whom I discuss all the intricacies of my life and soul, have a deep meaningful connection with- but with whom I am not sexual, is that any more or less a threat to my 'primary' relationship? My philosophy is, the ideal is for it not to be a threat at all - sexual or otherwise, we are individual entities here to experience the spectrum of life. But, the degree of emotional and spiritual maturity required for it to work that way is immense.
My husband has a play partner, for the first time in years. I have been the center of his world, sexual and otherwise, for a very long time. Fascinating evolution I'm undergoing in experiencing the other side of this coin. I'm excited about this growth of mine, I feel alive, I'm happy for him. Having both of us more.... in tune with the dynamic from both sides is proving enlightening.
So when I think about that "you are here" star, about how it's moved in my lifetime, about the people I've been so fortunate to touch and be touched by, about the realm of experiences I've enjoyed and endured, and about the horizon to come.... I'm grateful, profoundly grateful.
