Fire and Darkness

" We are afraid of pain - emotional and physical - and we want to believe that there is a way around experiencing our own sorrow, that we can avoid the pain and lose nothing of the fullness and joy of living. It's simply not true."

quote from The Invitation
Oriah Mountain Dreamer

There's nothing I can do. You have to go through this, there is no question. There will be pain like you've never known - the kind that rips through flesh, the kind that physically assaults you, leaves you exhausted, curled in ball on the floor. The ache I feel typing those words, having lived sorrow like that, knowing you absolutely will experience this... that ache is so intense.

Instinctually I want to rescue you, you know that. We never want the people we care about to hurt, do we? I want to make you feel better, want to kiss the hurt away, save you from it, have it poof, be gone. But, my own darkness taught me you can neither run nor hide, it finds you, it envelops you, you have to let it, have to feel it, have to find your way through it. It has wisdom hidden there you only find when you stand and look directly at it - storms leave treasures deposited on the sand of a beach found once the waters calm. And you will stand, eyes open, and face it. You will.

And while you do, I'll be here. It's going to get hot, raging, overwhelming. I will stand in the center of the fire with you and not shrink back. You will not be alone.

I will replenish you when it's beaten you down, when you feel like you can't possibly get up another day to face the world, I will help remind you that everything happens for a reason, that this is an opportunity for you. I will hold you when your body collapses from the weight of it, not fixing you, just skin touching skin as you decide to live fully awake, let it wash over you, through you, not moving to "hide it or fade it or fix it". See these shoulders... linebacker shoulders baby!

I can't stop it, but I can be with you while you face it. You have some work to do, but I feel your strength even if you don't in this moment. I believe in your Spirit - genuine, kind, passionate, generous, honorable... you are all of these. You can "get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children" - and you do.

And now, as you enter this darkness, the core of who you are will carry you through it... the friends you've cultivated will walk beside you, and you'll come out the other side and see the clearing of clouds, the infinite possibilities, maybe even a rainbow, certainly beach treasures. You will. I know you will.

I want you to know I wouldn't change my times of darkness. There were so many gifts - revelations, profound epiphanies, quiet wisdoms - scattered along the way. I want you to know even though there were times I thought it would break me, times I didn't think I could get up again... that it has ALL shaped who I am, where I am now. I have a contented soul, and that, that is something I wouldn't give up to avoid any pain.

Ready baby? Time to take it on.... You can do this, you will not be alone.

HOLY BEAN FLICKIN' and KNOB BOBBIN' BATMAN!!!

Damn you are a HORNY bunch!!!!

OK.... soooo... between email and comment, 28 people responded to the questions asked (including me) I'm no scientist, so forgive me but the data won't be, uh, precise and published in say, The American Medical Journal and there is not control group! *laughing*

Some folk didn't exactly answer every question either, but here's what I got:

• 16 men responded
• 12 women
• more men than women masturbate
• men masturbate more than women by about 2 to 1
• average self-pleasuring is 3 times a week (average both sexes together)
• men average 4-5, women 2-3
• sex desired with another weekly averaged 4-5 between the sexes
• men more likely to be daily, women 3-5 times per week
• all but 3 of us get ourselves off less if we're getting it regularly with another
• most of you are pretty open about getting yourselves off
• 3 of you said your partner didn't know and wouldn't like you jerking off (yes all were men)
• all of the men said they hoped their partner flicked the bean
• all the men and most of the women said they'd like to watch a partner do him/herself
• 9 of 12 women said his jerking off is just fine, some had stipulations (see next line)
• 3 women who were ok with his wanking said if there wasn't regular sex between them, that could be an issue
• 3 women were not ok with his jerking off, thought it 'unnecessary' if he was in a relationship (these were email responses, btw)
• all the men who responded think watching a woman get herself off would be fabulous
• most women (that are ok with masturbation) think watching would be wonderful

Blessed

Just when I think after all these years we couldn't get closer, couldn't possibly be filled with MORE love.... it happens and my cup runneth over with him. My husband is amazing. How he loves me is extraordinary - he can have me be his and let me be free at once, he has a strength that overwhelms me.

He gives me belonging, holds me tight when I feel the world closing in, makes me laugh, ravishes me, trusts me - not just what I say or do, but what I am, who I am - he believes in me and that is SO huge.

Love is not only a feeling, feelings are fleeting and come in waves. Love is an action... how we treat each other day-to day, how we handle conflict or being hurt or doing the hurting, how we face disappointment and fear, how we show respect and make a person feel valued - that's how we love.

I love how he loves me.

Baby... I don't tell you enough - but I hit the mother load when you entered my life. *ooooosh*

Missin' My Papa

I'm a nurturer. I'm the strong one. I'm the one taking care of others - without them having to ask, I'm just... there. I just... know things. I'm good at it. Ya know how people withdraw when they're hurting... how alone we can feel.... scared and confused and lost. I do the support a person in that place so they know they aren't alone thing. Even if I can't actually help the issue at hand, that knowing someone cares and you're not alone, that's a big thing. I like being able provide that. It's that "sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it" thing.

My Dad was the same. I get it from him. I got it from him, he gave it to me. I mean both that I attribute my being this way to him, and that he provided me with that same support. He was always there. He always knew. And he always believed in me, period, even when I wasn't sure I believed in myself. You came away from a conversation with him just... feeling better... not feeling alone anymore.... feeling hopeful and loved. God I miss ya Papa.

Was just thinking about Dad today... just missin' him is all.

THE WEEK

Husband named it THE WEEK a long time ago. *laughing* The Week (really more like 2) directly following punctuation, I am insatiable. It's consistent and predictable and occasionally illegal.

Everything sensual, erotic, sexual is heightened. I am consumed with touch and indulging and exploring. I can't get enough. I'm hungry, wild, want the rush the shaking, lust envelopes me.

During The Week, it overtakes me. I cum more than my usual quota. Even my skin is more sensitive. Husband says during this time I ooze sex.... my eyes come alive he says... pheromones I guess? Men react more to me during this time.... from general noticing to random flowers arriving at work to out and out propositions.... perplexing. It fascinates me. I can't explain it, but I damn sure enjoy it!

It's the time I crave the insane side - the danger - the risk - the total abandonment of good judgement and morality. It's about depraved... lascivious... rapture.... wanton... torrid... freaky... nasty.... shameless.... whorish... it's when the twins come out in public... or when I'd masturbate in the confessional booth ... or let a trucker watch me cum, skirt hiked up while my husband drives ... or try to quietly (I don't do quiet well) cum at my desk at work. It's the time when sexual intoxication is powerful... when nothing is sacred (see confessional above) when I'm driving the bus to hell and taking as many with me as I can. *grin*

It's The Week! Bless me Father for I have sinned....

IP

I suffered until say... Sunday from IPS. Damn thing! I don't always find myself afflicted... all things considered, I'm pretty tame from what I understand from my male friends enduring their female counterparts punctuation cycle.

Yes, punctuation... the once a month kind of punctuation... yup.... I'm talking period. And in our house, when I'm more emotional and less logical than most of the time - it's guaranteed to be the occasional bout of IP. Impending Punctuation.

Husband and I were bouncing around names.... IPS (Impending Punctuation Syndrome) IPP (Impending Punctuation Psychosis) IPPD (Impending Punctuation Psychotic Disorder) *laughing*

Anyway.... it's safe to come out now, my horns are gone! *laughing*

But then.... then.... we move on to 'THE WEEK" which is equally intense, but much much more fun!

Exposed = Alive

I've never been this exposed. I admit things to myself I didn't use to. Spent a long time maintaining control - if I didn't let the things that could hurt me be known, you couldn't hurt me - that was the plan. Works great for not getting hurt... but leaves an emptiness, cuz damn, you miss out. I'd rather feel alive. I'd rather risk, and hurt, and ache than miss something amazing, miss being touched by someone who will leave a mark, forever.

I haven't forgotten or had my typing fingers wounded... *laughing*

I'm stunned at the response to the bean flickin' event... and I will compile the results - as soon as I'm home for longer than 30 seconds! Promise~

Flicking The Bean

Uh huh, I'm a bean flicker. I admit it. On informal survey through conversations, it seems I have something of an unusual appetite for sex - with others and that fabulous alone time - I have quota! *laughing* Generally, I get off at least twice a day on my own - fun with others is bonus! *grin*

So I'm curious....

How often do you all get yourselves off, say in a week or a day?

In your ideal world, how much sex with another is just right say, in week?

Do you masturbate the same amount regardless of sex with another, or is it more likely that you will get yourself off less if you have regular, uh, assistance?

Are you open with your partner about masturbation, or is it something either secret or not discussed?

Are you comfortable with your partner flicking the bean or jerking off - does it make you feel less than? does it excite you maybe?

I realize not everyone will be comfortable answering these in comment, so responses - should you choose to partake - can be sent to sassy_cinnamon_girl@yahoo.com and I promise complete confidentiality.

I'll post the results once I have enough response.

Overflowing...

It's not that I got nothin' ... it's the opposite! I go SO much, I can't compile it coherently at the moment! *laughing* I start to write, and all the different elements of my very full life collide in no particular order!

Intense, powerful, unnerving, uncertain, fabulous, vulnerable, unknown, exciting, terrifying, nourishing, loving, evolving.... that's life right now! Amazing!!!

Guilt

I want to preface this post with something of a disclaimer - I want it clear that I am not judging those that don't 'process' things in the same way as I do. I don't have condemnation or contempt or anything similar in my heart, I simply wanted to write about something I see SO much of - in blog posts and in the world, and would be interested to know how others do or don't do guilt, that's all.

I read a post this morning that got me percolating about guilt. I see it weighing people down, I see it creating self-loathing, I see it wounding, I see it fermenting then transforming into fear, which is debilitating. It makes me sad the degree to which people seem to carry guilt with them, the way it seems to permeate the good things with its stench.

I don't DO guilt. Really. I don't. I don't see the point. That isn't to say I don't feel badly about things sometimes, if I've hurt someone. I have looked back on times in my life and seen a better way (now I'm old and wise! *laughing*) but that doesn't equate to guilt or shame or even regret.
I see guilt as negative. It's only possible purpose would be to redirect us, but more often, it becomes a fixture. It's a victim thing. I see people carry around this suitcase of it, sometimes taking it out to feed it, nurture it, grow it... then back in the case, the weight of it greater than before, the poison more powerful. Rather than stimulating different behavior, it's something we punish ourselves with, a reminder of our belief we are 'less than' - proof we are not worthy. It serves some of us well in the short term, but the price paid is massive. It's a great excuse. We can pummel ourselves enough with it that we don't require ourselves to be accountable and responsible for the choices that got us here, and the choices we can make to take us elsewhere, or not.

Temporary guilt is one thing - you look at something decide it wasn't the best choice - you correct it if possible, or choose differently next time and move on. Permanent guilt, is a cop out, it has nothing to offer and is steeped in passivity.

There is something the core of me, a product of evolution I'm sure, that makes me incapable of stagnation, of sitting in misery for any length of time. I'm grateful for it, and proud of the work I did to get here, and humbled when I'm knocked down and have to face it all, test the philosophy... when the world says "OK girl, let's see whatcha got."

My Dad used to say "honesty, integrity - that's what you do when no one is looking and you can't get caught." I think that stuck, early, so I live like that. Great peace in that, huge. Thank you Dad!

Touch

Touch. Isn't it what we all crave? Touching another, being touched, connection - it's fundamental to our humanness.

I am blessed. I have been touched by amazing people, had the honor of touching them - people who are incredible souls. My cup runneth over. And new relationships, the possibility of that intense connection, how exciting is that?

I love being let in. I love the way I feel when he lets me see him, really see him - when the walls begin to crumble, when his face softens, when there's almost a pleading in his eyes that says "I' trust you with my soul, I'm letting you in, you get a place in my heart now." You can actually see the risk - taste it, feel it surround us - when he allows me to see his vulnerability, his confusion, his imperfection, his pain - when he feels safe. I like making him feel safe, I like feeling safe with him. Once that happens, nothing is ever the same, we're changed... it's deeper - bigger risk, bigger payoff.

The connection that grows from exposure is something that fires me up inside, it's like nourishment to my Spirit. We all crave connection with others, but we stand in our own way so often, not willing to risk.

I'm full today, filled with love - for myself, for my friends, for my life, for my amazing husband and my exceptional children - all who renew me when the world sometimes wears me down, who remind me of what it is to truly be alive . Today, I feel love, I'm sending love, giving love, wishing love for all.

*contented sigh*