Crystal Ball Don't Fail Me Now!

Decisions decisions...

The scent of could be.... when you sense the potential, but really have no substance to quantify the sense. He's like that. I've had glimpses. He does seem to have some insight, seem to know things he shouldn't, things I didn't tell him, what to say, how to push my buttons. Is it who he is naturally? Is this a show for me , or is it real? Does he just read women well? Does my body language give me away? Does he feel me tremble just a little when he talks like that? How could he know those words would force my eyes closed in a long blink, cause a deep inhale, have me biting my bottom lip in the attempt to regain composure? I know my eyes reveal too much, I know. So could he really take me there, is my sense right, or is it wishful thinking? Do I open the door to could be?

THE Number

The other day I got to talking with a friend about numbers - well, actually THE number - how people think about it, if it matters, why it matters if it does, and how some people have real issue with the number while others don't.

He told me there was a rule of thumb. When discussing how many people someone has been sexual with, you double the number a woman gives and triple the number a man gives. I didn't know this! *laughing* I always just give the real number - be ok with it, don't, whatever, it's your choice... but I do know women and men who skirt the issue.

Personally, the number is not relevant to me in terms of making some moral judgement, not at all. I ask because sexuality fascinates me. The experiences we've had, who we choose to share them with, why we choose them, and how we feel about it afterwards all shape our sexual identity, all provide great insight into the inner workings of a person. I love knowing the details - the facts and the feelings.

I have a guy friend who doesn't want a chick who has had more than 10 men. He's never been able to really justify where the number came from and why it matters. I question if it would REALLY matter, once the involvement was in motion. He, by the way, has had MANY women! *laughing*

So I'm curious what y'all think about the number.

The Evil Shack

I pass it every day on the way home. Tiny little thing, you could miss it altogether and not even know you escaped its clutches.

I say I pass it.... sometimes I don't just pass by.... sometimes I stop, court evil, indulge, immerse myself in it, let it permeate each pore, revel in bad. Uh huh....

Wonderful thing about it... it works on a good day or a bad one.... you're in a fantastic mood - it's about celebrating... you're down - let it take you over, you'll forget, if only for a few moments.

Evil in a hut. Tasty evil - succulent, rich, creamy, decadent melt in your mouth sin. And the evil Keeper is always friendly too, always welcomes you in. Bitch.

I'm completely addicted, I am. I can admit it now.... I'll attend ICAA, I will. Hear me sayin it?
"Hello, I'm Mystic and I'm addicted to ice cream."

I am an ice cream slut. I have no real loyalty to one flavour. I simply can not do just one (look at that, it applies to more than men! *laughing*) Sure, I have favorites, but to only ever have ONE - I do like the variety. Voted best ice cream on the Island this shack - it really is fuckin' amazing .

My latest vices - cherry (with WHOLE cherries), black licorice, and coconut. Orgasm in a cone. Fuck me!

I'm just gonna... feel

I got an email about that last post. Did you know it was depressing? At first I got kinda pissed, then I thought... it's interesting how difficult it seems to be for many of us to just... feel. Hell, sometimes it's difficult to even recognize and name what you're feeling beyond, say, "I feel icky" or some other non-specific term.

I spent a long time running from pain. You paint it with a brush that hides the darkness, make it something else in your head, focus on someone or something else so you don't have to feel it.

The Invitation, and the man who showed me The Invitation, changed that. I'm different now. I choose to experience all of life, which includes the darkness.

It is ok to feel sad. It is ok to feel hurt. It is ok to feel pain. The sensations of helplessness, even hopelessness are not permanent - they are waves, they wash over you and recede - if you let them. And then, suddenly, the next crashing wave isn't so dismal, has elements of renewal and promise. Fighting a rip tide is the worst thing you can do.

My friend has a saying: feel what you feel, notice what you notice. When darkness comes - and it will, it does - this is particularly good advice.

Darkness

Ever notice that darkness seems to descend into your life in multiples? One huge life thing, then another then another. I call it compound crisis - where you don't have time to process one trauma before another is presented. So you shelve the processing to deal with the immediate. Think of a bookshelf - you put a few books there, then more, then some more.... eventually, it's so full all the books come tumbling down on your head, you're buried by them and can't find yourself or a way out. I've lived that collapse. I don't want to do it again.

So the challenge is to somehow manage to return to the shelf and read through the jumble of emotions - fear, pain, confusion, anger and more - to find a way to assimilate all of it into some sense of order, or at least into a form of something we can accept, often while feeling very alone and weary.

FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!

Every time I've seen U2 it's been a spiritual experience - this time included!

Yup, profound and fabulous.