U2

I have tomorrow off work. And, like last Friday, we'll make a trip to the mainland... but for a very different purpose.

We're going to see U2 live!

My husband and I have seen them 3 times already. We're going with my nieces and nephews and the entourage of their friends. Both husband and I are on the highway to 40. The 'kids' - 11 of em - range in age from 16 to 24. Will be an interesting trip - see if the old farts can keep up! *laughing*

My husband and I are giddy! Seeing U2 AND being without kids for a bit! WOOO HOOOOO!!!

the movie lines

1. My Best Friend’s Wedding
2. Notting Hill
3. Notting Hill
4. As Good As It Gets
5. Mystery Alaska
6. Under The Tuscan Sun
7. Unfaithful
8. Banger Sisters
9. Pirates Of The Caribbean
10. Forrest Gump

Kaleidoscope

This weekend has been an explosion of life elements, of extremes. A life kaleidoscope - shifting from vibrant dazzling colours to ugly patterns back to glittery and around again.

The test results came on Thursday, late afternoon. The details about that thing, from down there, the thing I've met before. Friday morning we began the journey to her with the words terminal and inoperable rumbling around in our heads. Oh ya, and a few 'fuck you's" too.

On the ferry, our kids were a delight - they stood into the wind and watched the gulls try to fly when all they could really do was float on the rushing air. Their faces exuded life - that pure joy, unencumbered by the responsibilities and worries we adults carry. It was intoxicating to watch their glee - eyes alive and vital. My husband and I held hands, watched them, laughed and loved.

In the car we blasted the music - our music - and the kids sang along, we rocked out, all of us. Husband did 'punch buggy, no returns' and we all giggled each time at the silliness of it all.

Driving down her street, a quietness took over. Deep, steadying breaths as we pulled in the driveway, and terminal and inoperable make themselves known again, a big thundering echo.

My eldest got to her first. He's 12. He hugged her tight. I couldn't see their faces, could only see her shoulders heaving, knowing she was wondering how much of his growing up she was going to get to see. Then the middle one - Mr. Light himself - "I love you Grandma" - and her eyes filled with love. That boy can heal, I swear he can!

She's thinner, there's a droop about her posture, and there's fear in her eyes. Of course there is! Not fear of dying, fear of what might come before. We waxed philosophical about the meaning of life and what comes after and that we're all dying - just aren't as aware of when and from what. It's fresh - she's still processing, no question.

The next day just my husband and I went to see her. She was in bed when we arrived, she'd been nauseous - she has a bright yellow puke bucket with a happy face on it - we all had a laugh over that. I got on the bed with her, rubbed her back, and we all just talked - about the cancer and the tests, about the kids, about how hard it is on Dad, about the unknowns, about the weather. She told us the Doc had told her it was time to 'eat whatever she wanted and drink beer' - I told her next time I'd get her stoned - solve the nausea problem and the lack of appetite all at once.

It's just the beginning of a road I know too well. Profundity, anger, hope, fear, faith, fight, determination, surrender - all part of the package.

It was a scene from a movie. It was both surreal and more real than anything I've known all at once.

Flick Fragments

Brian did this fabulous name that tune thing- snippits of lyrics from songs - very very cool and fun. My husband and I speak in movie lines often - I know, sappy, but hey, we're in love! Anyway... thought I'd try the same deal, but with movie lines instead of lyrics - these are pretty easy, but this could certainly be made more challenging.

1. "Maybe there won't be marriage, maybe there won't be sex, but by God there'll be dancing.

2. "I'm still just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her."

3. "There's something wrong with this yogurt." "Ah, that's not yogurt, that's mayonnaise."

4. You make me want to be a better man."

5. "No I'm not okay! Do I look like I'm okay?!?! The fucker shot me!!! What the fuck ass fuck of a bum fuck shithole town is this?"

6. "Terrible ideas, don't you just love those?"

7. "I think this was a mistake." "There is no such thing as a mistake. There are things you do and things you don't."

8. "Oh Harry, you may never shit again!"

9. "There'll be no living with her after this."

10. "I don't know if we each have a destiny or if we're all just floating around accidental like on a breeze. But I think maybe it's both - maybe both is happening at the same time."

Longing

I want it. I do. I want to feel that again. I want to feel Him wanting it, treasuring it, knowing it's His. Everything has a time and place. In a more stable moment, I simply fill with joy and profound gratefulness at having ever experienced it - something many never do. I yearn for more. Yup, I want more. I'm a greedy little bitch, I know it. He knows it too!

This Audio Thing...

Funny... I thought reading a list of words would be easy - but without the structure of sentences, paragraphs, grammar, I was left with just the words, none of the directional things, no parameters. So, it had to be getting to that place... feeling what he had me feeling when I wrote them originally. My husband called it 'artsy' *laughing.... all I know... is I felt like I'd cum after writing it, felt the same after saying it out loud. Fascinating.

Edge

Edge kindly allowed my audio on his blog - to simplify it for me. Thank you Mr. Edge.

Please

glance

away

back

glimpse

eyes

inviting

tempting

smile

knowing

patient

wanting

lips

moist

soft

opening

breathing

rapid

shallow

hands

trace

body

shudder

eyes

pleading

cocky

grin

taunting

teasing

wrists

clasped

tight

forceful

wall

cold

skin

pulsing

cunt

wet

slippery

waiting

bodies

grinding

hands

sliding

needing

aching

hips

begging

gasp

finally

hard

pushing

taking

sliding

slippery

hot

hungry

nails

scraping

teeth

biting

slamming

bruising

marking

growling

exploding

grunting

shuddering

screaming

owned

shaking

trembling

tingling

filled

oozing

taken

content

Triggers

Trigger words... or trigger phrases - things that said by the right voice, in the right tone, in just the right moment can make me cream - absolutely melt, push me right over the edge, leave me shaking shuddering gasping.

It's the association I have with these words and phrases that give them power. The association implies a certain dynamic. They didn't arrive all at once. I'm not even sure when they all started, they've evolved over time. I can pin-point some of them to a place in time or a person. They're all linked to a common theme, but different people or situations have hard wired them into my sexuality. Conditioned response maybe?

Standing alone they may mean something entirely different - or have no significant meaning at all. But in my nasty slutty little mind they evoke an intense reaction - the queen mother of sexual tools in the right hands - someone who knows just when to say them, or what inflection to use.

And... I'm noticing I'm much less able to hide my reaction now than I used to be - so sometimes someone might not even know in advance, but damned if my response doesn't totally give me away!

I know we all have sexual buttons, things that 'do it' for us, but I do find myself wondering if other people have the same intense reaction to triggers and if staying composed is challenging for others too.

Pieces

I wrote on my wall downstairs. Green acrylic paint, hand-written words - no stencil to make it neat, no practice so the angle is just right, just lyrics to a song painted because the spirit moved me.

It's a music room. It has a red light. Guitars, cable, mic stands, a keyboard, and an overstuffed love seat fill the small space. There's a massive red satin/black velvet Jimi Hendrix wall hanging (when we first moved in together, my husband wanted it over our bed *laughing*) Candles spread around the room conjure up something as close to my Catholic history as I get. Vines wind around and beads dangle from the ceiling. At night, my husband smokes sweet cigars, the room fogs and strings of smoky haze glow in the red light. The scents - cigars, beer, incense burning - mix with notes sung and winding guitar inspire this sweet kind of groove.

There's a very old Police concert T-Shirt with buttons and pins - a spectrum of music represented - U2, The Stones, The Who, Depeche Mode, BB King and a bunch in between. This concoction of things transcends multiple decades - a fucked up mix of sex, drugs and rock and roll with mysticism and free love. It ain't Home and Garden 'decor' - hell some would say it's downright gaudy! I think it's funky, it's out there - it's pieces of our lives and somehow it has this strange comfort about it, a soothing peace.

While I was brushing letters on the wall, I was thinking about how all the things we live through shape who we are in a given moment in time, contribute to the evolution of a soul.

I live on an Island, surrounded by ocean. It is overflowing with hippies and guru and artistic types.... people who walk to the beat of their own drummers with no regard for the media-inspired image of what we should be. I believed before moving here that it was right for us - I've always said we were Island people. Now, being here, smelling all the myriad of green outside, feeling the sand squish between my toes, breathing the salt air, and writing lyrics on my walls, I know it's a perfect fit. My Spirit feels like it has come home.

So, I'll be writing more on those walls, in different colours. I'll be celebrating the pieces of who I am - who we are - nourishing my spirit in unorthodox ways that feel right and celebrating what we've lived and chosen to hold close. Tomorrow I'm getting a lamp like we used to have... the circular kind that rotates light around the room. We need some netting, and more beads and I need to make a mobile of sea shells. It's got this metaphysical kinda vibe to it, and quite simply.... it's far out! I'm diggin' it!

Grrrrrrrrrr!

Ya know.... it really begins to bug me when I don't have two minutes to rub together so I can READ all'yall at length, as your talent deserves! And doing a post of my own, uh, not so much as of late! Mach six with my hair on fire - someone throw a bucket of water, would ya? Please!