Cuz Edge said we should!

*laughing* and I always do what I'm told *still laughing*

Well... it did seem like it'd be fun, and it's not just anyone suggesting it! *grin* But ya know, I am a list virgin...

• I don't much care for cats, love dogs, definitely a dog person
• I enjoy gardening.... something about earth energy... I like to do it barefoot
• I loved being pregnant, felt very whole, very feminine, very spiritual, very sexy pregnant
• I have 3 children, all boys
• I love skin to skin contact... nursing a baby, snuggling in bed naked and the like
• Having children deepened my appreciation for my Parents - they were amazing people
• I have experienced sex with women, I'd like to again
• My drivers license says I have green eyes, people have called them both green and blue, so I don't know
• I did not do any drugs in highschool. I was 30 the first time I smoked a joint. This young 18 year old girl I hired at the bank came to visit when I moved away and said "I'm getting you stoned" *laughing* I just got hungry. I have on only a few other occasions since, gotten stoned. I liked it. I'm fairly uninhibited sober *laughing* I don't need anything to 'take the edge off' - I like the edge *grinning* But seriously, I can get wild when I'm straight, on a substance, I can get illegal
• Yes, they ARE real
• I find balance in life an incredibly difficult thing to attain and maintain - mostly, I don't do balance well, just move from one focus to the next to the next
• The Invitation was a life-altering experience for me
• I've had "paranormal" experiences and while I have skepticism too, there have been multiple things that have me... believing
• I'm used to getting what I want, I try not to pout when, every now and then, I don't
• I swear quite a lot.
• I now work with all men, our customer base is mostly men, and very testosterone-filled manly men at that. I fit in very well *laughing*
• I'm learning about tools and equipment relating to construction - I'm talkin' jack hammers, plate compactors, concrete vibrators, nail guns and of course the necessary implements of power like air compressors. I've even tried testing a jack hammer - but I have LOTS to learn
• I can appear as your classic business professional, but my inner slut is always present - more now than ever in my life. Someone who met me in business and knows me very well now says he could see in my eyes I was a naughty girl - power suit and well heeled or not
• I have been stopped many many times for speeding, I rarely get a ticket
• I know what it is to feel true sorrow
• Death has touched me in ways I cannot express in a list and it has changed me - who I am and how I see the world
• I did not know what it was to truly stand alone in the world until my Father passed over
• The world as it is today, scares me - more for my children and grandchildren - we're destroying it
• I love red wine - the way the liquid moves in the glass, the rich colour of it, the taste - love it
• There are wonderful things that can be done with frozen grapes
• Don't come eat at my home if you don't like garlic - ideally you should believe there can never be too much garlic, then you'll really fit in
• I learned to speak German before I spoke English because we were living in Germany while I was age 2 to age 5 (wish I could remember it now!)
• I'm much more likely to indulge in something salty than I am something sweet - chips and popcorn (made in a pot, with butter!) If I want something sweet, it's cheesecake, chocolate (the good stuff) or ice cream (has to be out of the box)
• My favorite flowers are Sweet Peas, my Grandma grew walls of them, they smell heavenly and there's something.... innocent and pure about them
• I can count on my fingers the number of people who have seen me cry - it's not that I don't or that I think there's anything wrong with it.... just.... being vulnerable isn't something that comes easily to me
• I think it's possible some of us have been here before, likely even
• I'm exceptionally loyal and fiercely protective
• I don't get angry often or easily, but it's severe when it happens
• I don't handle other's anger well - yelling, volatility, hostility - nope, not well at all
• I am a coffee fiend - brown sugar and cream - not skim milk, cream
• I like dangly earrings - to wear em and to see em
• I like women's belly buttons and the round at the side of the breast
• It's good we put the 'no through road' sign up after the last baby, I would want another. I can't wait for the nieces to start having babies, so I can get my fix! *laughing*
• People often tell me things - intimate things - very early in the evolution of a friendship... I'm good with people's secrets
• I can be extremely demanding of the people close to me
• I am sometimes emotionally detached, a coping skill perhaps, and it can be very hard for those in my life who are used to feeling connected. Given my space to process, I always come back though.
• I would not leave a relationship because the other was sexual with someone else, I understand fully the power of sexual intoxication
• I want to travel to Greece and Italy - have always been drawn there
• I have done that dirty dancing thing. I like it. A lot.
• Many people close to me would be surprised and disturbed by my sexual experiences and philosophies. It doesn't trouble me though, I am not ashamed
• I don't do guilt. I'm either OK with something, or I'm not. If I'm not I try to make amends, and failing being able to do that, I do it differently next time. Quite remarkable given my Catholic upbringing - oi - let's not go THERE again
• There is something enticing for me about the Ocean - mystical, healing, soothing but incredibly powerful. I can see it from my home (until the leaves return *giggling*)
• I find the moon enchanting and can spend hours watching it.
• I love the rain.
• I believe humour is an absolute necessity in life.
• I think that "Youth is wasted on the young" phrase has some truth to it
• I've been very surprised at how connected you can feel to someone you haven't met face to face
• I believe you can love more than one person at a time without it diminishing anyone. I think we love different people in different ways. I'm not of the opinion there is only one person in the world for each of us, but many potential loves. Some of us are fortunate to experience incredible loves, I include myself in that category, and I'm grateful
• This list makes me feel exposed, it's quite a strange sensation

Adornment plus

I think it's fascinating where and why we draw lines - how fragile they really are, how the lines move, how people want desperately to paint the world in absolutes, when few, if any, actually exist.

I was talking with my Hair Guru last night while my head was all creamed up destroying any trace of evidence in my hair that I might be over 25, and we were discussing 'cosmetic procedures' and where the line is for each of us. She has a friend who is totally against all forms of cosmetic enhancement and plastic surgery. Friend thinks it's sad, a sign of insecurity, and even immoral. For the most part friend is congruent with her rantings - your earthy type chick.
People, women in particular, do many things in the name of enhancing our appearance. We wear makeup, colour our hair, paint our nails (and toe nails Edge*smiling*) We do maintenance things like shave our bits and pieces, apply lotion, and we pluck places that the Universe ought to have known women shouldn't have hair! We pierce our ears and other parts. We wear shape-flattering undies and push up bras . Wrinkle creams, botox, lasering, dermabrasion, peels and the like abound. Then there are the more serious 'procedures' as they call em. The lipo, the eye lifts or cheek implants, full-blown face lifts, tummy tucks, boob jobs and the like. Multi-billion dollar business this "looking good=looking young" thing.

I'm personally somewhat conflicted. I see shows like "The Swan" and it kind of rubs me the wrong way that women feel the need to completely overhaul their appearance, that they aren't enough without all the changes. Yet, I wear makeup, have my hair coloured, paint my nails, I'm big on the dangly earrings, wear perfume, shave and keep all my parts soft and smooth. I love the shelf bras to cradle the twins and present em like they used to be when I was 18 - POW. *laughing* Do I do this for me as well as any onlookers? Of course, I like how it makes ME feel. That I haven't had any 'procedures' (nice, clean,clinical term huh?) is about where my comfort level is, where I draw the line on a given day.

I wonder though, how many other things I would do if money and time and risk were no object. Would I do botox? Would I ask a surgeon to put my body back to how it was before my three kids? I want to say I wouldn't. I think I wouldn't. It disturbs me that I can't say absolutely, and certainly warrants further thought.

I can't accept Hair Guru's friend's premise that it's all bad. I think there is something wonderful to be said about adornment. That process of... preparing yourself for another (whether he be known to you yet or not) is exciting. It's sensual and spiritual and animal. It's part of being human, and for me, just a part of how I connect with my femaleness. But hey... each person has his/her lines... we're all different.

Craving

I'm consumed at the moment.

Increasingly, I'm craving the sensation of being... Taken. It's drug like. Intoxicating and elating and euphoric. It makes me feel alive, and while I make no judgement here and now about how healthy it is to crave it like this, all the same, I'm... uh... ripe for the pickin'!

I so love the moment you realize he might be able to take you. Now, "able" is a whole other post, but I digress. *laughing* The mind is an exceptionally powerful tool here. And physically, it's eyes first I think - can he capture me there? Those powerful eyes, hungry eyes, eyes that say "I want you, and I'm going to have you, and you will never be the same" - yup, has to start there.

When he sees me, when he leans into me, eyes locked and my mouth opens ever so slightly anticipating his kiss, does he feel me tremble? Does he know if he just slams me up against the wall, grinding into me, growling, that I will melt? Pulling hair, squeezing flesh, biting, grunting, grinding, pounding, gasping, screaming - I want to be overcome... hot, sweat dripping... the sound of us, the scent of our hunger, the rush of wet, the release... I want to ache afterward, want to feel the heat from hands slapping, the throb from welts forming, the sting of the scratches - taken, possessed, marked, molded together... want to see him twitching, still wet from us.... exhausted, deliriously so... oh... and exploring those marks afterward... light fingers, tongue tracing. soft kisses. Shaking, shuddering, body bliss.


Damn cravings!

Vibe and Tinglies...

There's a mystery about some people. Or maybe it's an energy he/she gives off that makes you want to know more. Or maybe it's an instinct that kicks in that leads me to believe I'd like what I knew, if I knew more. *laughing*

Being uncontrollably drawn to someone and knowing why is unnerving enough, but finding yourself full of thoughts of someone when you can't quite put your finger on what, exactly, it is about that person that has you distracted, is a whole other thing. Thing is... it doesn't happen to me that often, and... I like it - that being a little off balance, not quite composed feeling.

So you wait, and over time, you are exposed more and see pieces of that person... and his affect on you becomes more intense, you are more intrigued, or you lose interest, or he does, or you... just hover there all tingly and goosebumpy.

Now that's love! *smiling*

Earlier in the week, I'd been complaining. Not complaining so much as noticing in a solemn kind of way, commenting on the passing of time, the changes in a body over years.

After the release, still in me, over me, smiling down at me he said:

"I wouldn't trade one of the lines around your eyes for any one of your smiles... I wouldn't trade one stretch mark or that cesarean scar of three times for any one of our babies... wouldn't change a thing, I was here for it all, I love that. It's all part of you, it's us... you're beautiful"

OK OK OK...

I'm tired of being nagged, I give in!

Physically I will notice how a man carries himself (or woman for that matter, but that's another post) and I'm a bit of a sucker for shoulders and the line of a man, his back, from just under the arm pit downward.

I will notice his eyes - and if he has those eyes that probe you, hold your attention, the kind you can't look away from - if there's a spark between us while our eyes lock and I stop breathing for a moment and have to steady myself - now THAT will capture my interest. If there is any potential, I have to believe he can handle me *laughing* - I can intimidate folk, though it's not my intention. Humour, a sense of adventure, depth as a human being, and accountability are up there on my list too. Teasing, and being teased - I want the build up, yup, I want you hungry and I want us urgent.

Surprises... well... the intensity when that type of man (above) takes what he wants, which of course is giving me what I crave, and how it feels to surrender to another like that. Oh... and the power and excitement in being marked - that one was a big surprise.

Insane.... there's something about a deep, growly voice, right near your ear, saying exactly the right thing at a crucial moment.... pushing me to that mind-body-spirit orgasm - rapture. *shudder* My husband does this thing - leaves me shaking - fingers, wiggling - such a thin wall between you know - that, that is insane!

Of course... mood and whim and the weather (the variables are endless and unpredictable) all influence all of that for each of us on any given day, yes? *smiling*

Sheep and Ants - follow blindly

So Edge's post this morning got me remembering my Catholic upbringing. Is there anything more fucked up than Catholic teaching. We are diametrically opposed, the Catholic church and I, organized religion in general, but the Catholic church in particular. What I learned as a girl:

• if you're 'good' and do what God (that is, the church) wants, you'll be rewarded with entrance to heaven
• if you're tempted not to be 'good', it's God testing you, you must resist if you want to be a good girl
• if you succumb to temptation, you must tell me (cuz I get off on it when I'm you know, spilling the seed I'm not supposed to) and I will dictate some form of penance
• don't think for yourself, just do as we say
• don't question, that's doubting, doubting is bad
• if you 'abuse yourself' it's a direct slight against God (and he gave me a clit because????)
• you have to give the church at least 10% of your earnings, more is better of course and you'll be rewarded in heaven
• you mustn't have sex of any kind before you're married in the church
• you mustn't have sex of any kind unless you're trying to have a child
• you absolutely must not use any form of birth control, ever, period
• if you are promiscuous and fornicate, it's like giving away pieces of your soul each time
• shame, guilt, and fear are the motivation to do 'right', the consequence for not complying, and the best tool the church has to keep you in line, like ants carrying a watermelon
• when the priest diddles some little kid, let's not face it, and make him be accountable, let's transfer him so he has fresh meat... oh, and let's not talk about it, that would be bad
• the priest, in his divine wisdom, is the person you turn to for marital advice
• there is no room for discussion in any of the above
• there is no room for LOGIC in any of the above, just conform like good little sheep
• there is scripture to 'back up' all they teach - and for the record, there's scripture to argue against it too, because the bible is full of contradictions and the whole fucking thing is open to subjective interpretation (turn the other cheek or an eye for an eye? for instance)
• ohhhhh... and let's not forget... it doesn't REALLY matter what you do, because you can be forgiven if you show up on Sunday, have lots of kids, give your 10%, confess, do your 3 Hail Mary's... oh ya, and blow the priest

I could go on all day. Really, ALL day. Sheep Baaaa Baaaaa Baaaaa.

But hey.... to each his own, just please PLEASE don't try to convince me.... I'm not saveable! And.. if I went to confession now, the priest would either have a stroke or cum all over the confessional (or maybe both, not necessarily in that order) - oh, now I'm going to hell!

Ya, and I don't believe in hell either - just a tactic for fear.

OK... rant officially done, for now.

Relationships - uhm.... oi

That's one very big word, and one very volatile event. The good ones inspire intensity, and even the good ones have darkness sometimes. The primary relationship is something that can take us to the most euphoric, blissful place and land us in the rip-your-insides-out-and-stomp-on-em place.

My primary relationship? It's remarkable. I've always known it really, but the more people I talk to about their relationships, the more I realize how incredibly rare what we have really is. Twenty years together, and... we still like each other, are still in love, and still have phenomenal sex. Do we have fights? Hell yes. Do we go through periods of time where we feel disconnected, where we hurt and disappoint each other? Of course.

So why are we so good together? Well... the oversimplified answer is we're well matched. Some specific things (in no particular order) that I think make us work...

• We've always allowed each other 'individuality' - there's an understanding that we each need time away, that we don't 'own' each other
• We actually LIKE each other as people. Still. I mean... if we weren't married, he's absolutely the type of person I'd have as a friend. I think he's cool. I'm interested in his opinion about things in the world and his perspective on things
• Our ability to laugh... at ourselves, at the world, at the inevitable fuck-ups encountered in the process of living (btw, he makes me laugh like no one else, cracks me up)
• We call bullshit when we see it, hear it, feel it.... there's no dancing around stuff, we both know ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away
• We self assess before we jump... just because I FEEL something doesn't mean it's HIM or HE has to change something... and the reverse, of course
• There's an intuitive thing, a perceptiveness that's evolved over time, we can read each other well
• We're well matched where it matters... our core values are similar, there are things we enjoy together that touch us deeply (music for instance), we have similar sex drives (don't discount this one, it's a big one!)
• We respect our differences - *laughing* we are quite opposite in many ways, but we laugh about it and... well... we take turns!
• Neither of us got together wanting to change the other
• We understand that sometimes sex is a solo event and neither of us gets offended by one wanting to go it alone
• Yes, we are in love... madly, deeply, no question. I don't want to be married to anyone else.
• This one usually gets folks wound up, but I believe without question it's part of why we are so content in our marriage. We hold the philosophy that humans are not innately monogamous. We are not swingers (not that I have a judgement about that should consenting adults choose it) we do not go looking for partners or attend parties/retreats where spouse swapping is the main event. And, it's not even a common occurrence for that matter. But, we are 'allowed', should an opportunity present itself, to explore sexually with other people. We know that being sexual with someone doesn't diminish what we share or what we mean to each other, not at all. It infuses our sexual life, our personal energy, our intimate connection. That's a tough one for people to understand sometimes, I know. This choice comes with its own set of complexities of course. We have set a criteria that works best for us, and it's evolved over the years along with our bond. It takes profound self awareness and exceptional communication for it to work, it's not always easy, and it's not something I claim everyone should choose... it works for us.

Primary relationships are so very complicated, clearly there are other elements of 'us" that contribute to our still being together and still wanting to be. But, that's the overview I think.