Wine Speak

I'm 3/4 of a bottle into it tonight. It's a fabulous red wine that has become synonymous with a soul I've come to love.

Why is it outlook changes after a few?

This instant, I feel... content, hopeful, safe.

My life feels anything but at the moment.

Feeling LOVE though...

*smiling*

Happy Anniversary

I met this wonderful soul, around the US Thanksgiving...

Not sure if he invited me or I invited him - really though... we invited each other.

He touched me then.

He touches me still.

We've become friends.

We can say one word and it can be a whole conversation.

We danced.

Sometimes, we 'talk' every day.

Sometimes we go a week or two or three or more without real contact.

We always come back to each other.

He has quite a following, I completely understand why!

He has a generous spirit and a wise soul.

He is imaginative, creative, adventurous - in life, in sex, in love, in his writing.

Sometimes we talk the deep stuff, the life stuff, the scary stuff.

We share... sometimes we cry.

We tell each other the truth - even if the other doesn't really wanna hear it.

We trust. We know secrets.

We know how to have fun with each other.

Sometimes we laugh. Sometimes we laugh a lot!

We've been as sexual as I have ever been without actually being sexual.

I still owe him a picture, in a red dress. I haven't forgotten.

He knows too much.

He has... enlightened me more than once.

I'm grateful for you everyday my friend, and blessed that the universe crossed our paths!

Bitch On

I have one. Yup, I have a serious piss on today - like a bear with a sore ass.

I'm blaming IP for the sharp increase in my irritability and general intolerance. (check for horns, I"m quite sure they're there)

I don't want to talk to anyone. That is SO not like me.

I want a blanket, cozy pj's, chai tea and the remote, on the couch. ALONE.

Oh, and chocolate.

I'm cold and hungry and bitchy - nice combo huh?

If I weren't so cold, I'd stop by the Evil Shack on the way home, but eh.

*pout pout stomp*

Hmm... not quite HumBug, but...

I am as Christmas a bunny as you could find. I get all giddy, kinda childlike in some ways I guess. Crazy bout it - the lights and candles and glitters... the scent of cinnamon and cloves and orange.... the crackling fire, the old movies on the tele... the way children's eyes are bigger and wider... the Bailey's in coffee in the mornings... the chestnuts and scallops wrapped in bacon. I'm ALL fucking over it.

This year... I'm not there yet... just not.... feeling it. *shrug* I might get there... I probably will... but not yet, and that is very odd for me. Maybe I need a visit from 3 ghosts?

Disconnected

I've decided all of this would be easier if we were mad at each other. If there was some brooding anger or hatred... if I could say some hugely condemning thing about his person, if I thought he was an asshole, if I didn't' believe in the goodness of his soul... maybe this wouldn't feel like someone has sliced me open.

What I do feel is... sad. I don't have the answers. I don't know if we have grown in different directions to the degree that we are incongruent. I think we both have some resentments. Perhaps we want different things. I don't know if we can find our way back to each other through the storm swirling around us, or even if we both truly want to.

I do know when I think of him not in my life, I feel this enormous weight in my centre. I do know I feel confused about what I want, about how to make that happen. And the word 'should' seems to be hovering, though I can't see anything clearly in this moment in time. I feel like everything I say, everything I do - regardless of my intention - is hurting him in some way... and that is becoming very difficult to live with.

So I surrender - to what is meant to be. I have faith that we will be ok - be it together or not. I believe we have to experience whatever all this is in order take the next step - whatever that might be - together or apart.

I can, however, have faith and feel scared at the same time can't I?