Hospice

A place to die.

Fuck.

Typing that was a bitch.

She goes to the hospice this week.

We go this weekend to see her.

I can't escape that seeing her, feeling her - means feeling all of it all over again.

They are synonymous, I cannot separate them.

It's why I've been a little... removed.

I remember being scared to feel it then too - like if I let any little piece of it in, it would overwhelm me, I'd drown in it.

I had this great reason not to let it in too - I had to be strong for Mom, strong for Dad, strong for sister and brother who couldn't be the strong one.

And I am.

7 years. 5 years. Each like it was yesterday - like it is today - when I look into her eyes.

It will hit me - always does... where I can't contain it anymore and someone who knows me will see it in my eyes, and ask just right, or simply tell me they see - the release will come.

Never have let another hold me up too well - doesn't mean I don't want it though.

Did Ya Know?

Did ya know that bone cancer weakens the bones so much that they can fracture, crumble even, at the slightest impact?

Did ya know that it's something like dry rot in wood?

Did ya know that the physical response from such a fracture causes excruciating pain - the kind where you can't breathe and almost lose consciousness?

Did ya know that even years after experiencing the wrath of this fucking cunt of a disease, it all comes back like it was yesterday - the ominous questions, the waiting, the wondering, the weight of it, the fear, the helplessness, the ache that you can't take her fear or pain away. Instead, you watch her weaken, watch her fade - physically, emotionally, spiritually.

Things I didn't know. Things I wish I didn't still.