Run Away, Run FAR FAR Away

Oh, and I'm craving chocolate and salt.

Anyone who knows me, knows what that means - poof!

IP is here, the horns are a coming!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

I have a serious wimp on today.

I want to be cozy in my squishy soft bed, with my down pillow.

I want the dog beside me in bed (yes, the timeshare dog I love so) snuggled in like he does thinkin' he's a lap dog.

I want hot chicken soup.

I want someone to rub my back with jojoba oil containing eucalyptus, rosemary, and lavender to help rejuvenate my body.

I want sole ownership of the remote so I can flick about watching silly soap operas and old movies they only show in daytime.

I want to drift lazily in and out of sleep, masturbate at will when I wake, then drift off again, after being served vanilla tea.

Ya, I'm a wimpy girl today.

Choking on Religion

It's been an exercise in self restraint not spouting off bout the bullshit this last week was, but I don't have to censor here - so you Catholics might want to skip this post, cuz I'm pissed.

This ain't gonna be thought through, and I'm not gonna edit - I'm just gonna spew, babble incoherent or incomplete thoughts - so consider yourselves warned, continue with caution. I'm a blasphemer and a sinner. I drink, smoke a joint here and there, swear like a trucker, fuck and suck like a whore. Bless me Father for I have sinned ... yup, and I will some more.

Ya know... I just wanna shove something up the proverbial ass of Catholicism. Hard, without lube - a grudge fuck... maybe blow a big sticky wad all over the pew, wipe your dick on the priest's robe when you're done , snack on a couple of communion hosts and swig some holy wine on the way out. Yup. I've said enough Hail Marys, amens, and Thanks be to God's for all of us this last week - I'm positively HOLY!!! Fuck... I think I'm a virgin again! (it's ok, it won't last! *laughing*)

For those of you non-Catholic folk, death generally generates two (at least) ceremonies in the church - The Prayers the evening before where you pray for the salvation of the deceased, for God to have mercy and grant her entry to heaven... and the funeral service itself where, in summary, she is committed to God. So I'm wondering... if more people pray for you at the Prayers, are you more likely to get in, or get a better seat, ride first class?

There was so SO little of MOM in the ceremonies, it sickened me. It was the Catholic church puking on me, it was a marketing event - recruitment, it was formal and artificial. What with all the avoiding temptation, giving your life to the service of Jesus, flesh eating and blood drinking.... I felt more like I was in a sci-fi movie than a funeral to say farewell to Mom.

Where was the celebration of how she touched the world around her, of the mark she left on each of us, of how she loved? Where was the laughter remembering how she showed us how to court joy and be silly, to dance and sing and giggle uncontrollably? Where were the touching stories of how she gave of herself, how our lives were more - better - fuller - safer because she loved us?

Organized religion in general and the Catholic church in particular focus on the hell-fire-damnation-fear inflicting-guilt-shame-shoulds.... it drives me NUTS! I found myself sitting there understanding fully the analogy of sheep - don't think for yourself just do what we tell you...follow blindly, don't question, give us your money, vote how we say, perpetuate the same upon your children so our big corporate church will be sustained. Big business this religion thing.

Clearly I just don't get it huh?

Perspective

Faced with a week of saying goodbye to my Mom (IL), that teensy bit too much of being around extended family, and more organized religion than this girl can stomach in a lifetime - I''m reminded that I have an amazing friend in my husband, something many never experience.

We get each other. Regardless of any place in time, any particular circumstance, even the definition of our relationship... our history proves our ability to find a way. The way might change, the wants or needs or specifics... but our genuine admiration for the other's soul... that endures - even through hurt and disappointment.

Peace?

There is something of a cruel irony in the conclusion of this disease. 6:20am October 6, 2005 she went to have tea with her parents, her brother Peter, her Auntie Nelly - I'm quite sure my Mom and Dad are there with her too - strange things been happening in my house, I'll post a paranormal post at a later date.

Witnessing her discomfort, her pain, the slow methodical stripping of her physical dignity, the weakening... you want nothing more than for her to have peace, to let go, to pass over. When she does there's a momentary sigh, she has peace now.

You hang on to that peace, because you feel anything but peace huh?

The funeral will be next week. I have been through a full Catholic mass 2 other times in 20 years - for my Mother's funeral and my Fathers... this will make 3. I mention I detest the premise of it? I'll even do the prayers ceremony the night before - I remember I was baffled how after all those years, the rosary came back to me word for fucking word (had my Irish Nana on one side of me and my Dad on the other... if I'd have slipped up I mighta got a swat upside the head - damn pressure that! *laughing*)

We did get some giggling out of it all, 'cuz it's not like I'm not used to spending 40 minutes on my knees, I'm just not usually praying at the time *laughing*

I just want to say a massive thank you - the warmth, the compassion, the support you all have shown me is quite overwhelming. Thank you.