I Know Nothing

I have decided the older I get, the less I know. I remember how clear the world was at 18. Damn! I knew everything then!!! All the complicated issues in the world were black and white, defined, positioned in neat and tidy little slots. It isn't only the grey in my hair that is increasing as I age!

I still have beliefs... I still hold them close... though it doesn't always come easy... but I don't KNOW anything.

I believe...

• that we create our world based on what we think
• that what we spend time thinking, is what we draw to our lives
• that being aware of our thoughts isn't always easy
• that things happen for a reason, even when we don't know what it is
• that we can 'choose' to be content by how we choose to think, that we paint our perceptions
• that what we 'feel' is filtered through our thought process and then either accepted and cherished, or rejected and released
• that when we hold on to negative, it somehow serves us to do so and learning what we 'get' from keeping negative in our lives is imperative in learning to release it and create what we truly desire
• that it isn't always easy to know what our true motivations are
• that even when we know, it isn't always easy to admit
• that if we spent more time nourishing our spirits and less time trying to fill ourselves up from the outside, we'd be much more content
• that we are enriched in different ways by different people, each touching us in a unique way, each providing some combination of the human element necessary to feel alive
• that you can be intimately connected to more than one person, unable to imagine your life without each of them
• that emotional trauma is a catalyst for evolution
• that a relationship (be it spousal, friendship, family, lover, friend or any combination of the lot) can fade even if neither party has done anything wrong, that you can love that person insanely and still not be able to make it work
• that you can hold a person in your heart forever, that some touches leave imprints that are permanent
• that sometimes fear of the unknown makes people stay in a safer place, even if it isn't fulfilling
• that I have to have passion in my life to feel whole - passion for life, for adventure, for love, for laughing, for lust

How do you measure?
How do you measure the way a person loves you?
How do you measure if that love is enough?
How do you assess the things you feel are missing?
How do you measure if what is missing is too much?
How do you measure they way you hurt someone, when what you feel is love, but what you ARE hurts?
How do you navigate new territory, when you have a lifetime of history together?
How do you divide time, energy, investment amongst those you love - cuz we love many in many ways don't we?
How do you give freely when you feel you're not enough, or at least not enough of what that person wants and needs?
How do you measure the I in comparison to the we?
How do you choose yourself without feeling selfish?
How do you balance?

These aren't questions I used to ask so much.

I don't know if I've changed, he's changed, we've changed or all of the above.

I am beginning to know we are in very new territory, the landscape has changed, we aren't used to this terrain, it requires different relationship apparel, different tools, different approach.

Where's that relationship store when you need it huh? Just run out, buy the right tools for the job, the right gear to navigate the new place, the season.

I know it's about growth, evolution.... him, me, us. Well... we are evolving... we just don't know to what exactly.

He's a good man.

Blessed

I have a mixed bag today, but the thing taking up the most space is gratefulness.

I've been blessed with 3 healthy children - feisty, patience trying, full of life and laughter babies, yes, they'll always be my babies. Watching their delight and excitement this morning fills me up, love that manifests physically in tingles and warmth that starts at the center of your body and radiates outward, ya know? They're all 3 very different, unique little entities you get to watch unfold into 'people'.

My eldest is 12, he's full of opinions and clearly thinks we know nothing - is quite astonished at times we've managed to live this long (how long does that phase last?)... but he's the nice police, the one who steps into the middle of a fight to help a friend who is being picked on by the school bully, he's sensitive... he spent the better part of money he had for a school auction on a Christmas gift for me... two blown glass tree ornaments (I'm a xmas nut). They're beautiful, I cried.

My middle son I've written of here before. Last Christmas he was so sick... he'd stopped eating, I was scared. He's not sick now, stuffing chocolate in his gob as I type actually. He's a character for sure this one. Gregarious and insistent, playful and intuitive... he's been called an Indigo Child... I still have to do more research on this, but there's no question there is something magic about him.

The baby, now 3.... is.... well.... intense. *laughing* He's the child of extremes.... the sweetest warmest child, nuzzled into you and showering you with kisses with the cutest little cherub face... also the first to take out his brother cuz he has the toy he wants or pitch a full-blown fit at the word 'no' - there's nothing tentative about him, the love he exudes and the will he demonstrates! *laughing*

I have a husband who loves me, has for 20+ years... the kind of love women dream of, he adores me. We're struggling right now, many of you know that, but I think the world of him. He's a good man, he's my friend and lover, he's a wonderful Father, he's kind, his heart is good, I'm blessed.

Family... I had parents who gave me so much. The way they made me feel safe, loved, secure... how they passed on their strength and gave me belief in myself are gifts I am acutely aware of. I so miss them. My parents-in-law accepted me and loved me like their daughter... miss Mom terribly... Dad is trying hard to go on... I ache when I think of my children not knowing such amazing souls... but traditions are passed down and their energy is ever present. Siblings and inlaws and the products of their love *giggling* fill up my world too, I'm a lucky girl, for sure.

Friends...I have a handful of people in addition to those above who have taken up residence in my heart, people who have touched me, people I'd go to the mat for, people who stand in the center of the fire and don't shrink back.

I love you so... and I'm loved.

Yup, blessed.

Men In Their Natural Habitat

I overheard this conversation today... guys discussing a chick... we'll call her "Jane". The guys didn't know I was there - was really funny when they finally saw me, but anyway... wonder what the girlies would think about being the topic of such a conversation...would ya like it, not?

• 4 men, two in their 20's, one in his 30's and one just over 40
• 3 single, 1 married with a child
• a male environment, heightened testosterone

I couldn't always tell which of the men was speaking, but the conversation went something like this:


"did you see Jane today?"

"fuck yes! never get tired of seeing those"

"damn!"

"you think she's the real deal, think she closes the sale or it's false advertising?"

"hmmm... hard to say for sure"

"fuck off... you think she's just a CT? come on! she's clearly sexual, oozes it - not that you could handle her anyway"

**** laughing and poking fun like guys do****

"ya, I think she's a dirty girl, I'd fuckin ruin her given the chance"

"she talks like a guy, doesn't seem to scare easy"

"ya, she's really funny, just relax"

"nah, you won't offend her, don't worry - hell she'll probably make YOU blush"

**** jeering laughter and I"m sure I heard a slap on the back****

Oh... And...

While I'm in bitching and complaining mode, can I just say I'm so fucking tired of this industrial waste snot! I've been sick for about 2 weeks, my poor nose fits the Rudolph season oh so well at the moment, and if I never sneeze again it will be too soon.

OK, I'm done whining.

Breathing Space

Ya know when your head is full and your heart is heavy and it never feels like you actually exhale completely? That's where I am.

I want a little space... just me, where I don't have to be anything for anyone - just a for a little while, just so I can finally breathe fully in, and fully out.

I miss time alone. What little time I did have was during my commute - but that lasted only a couple of months before my niece wanted to ride with me. Come the new year, I will be once again driving alone - and I can't wait to have a little time alone with my thoughts, fears, desires.

I've Lost Focus

I think in life we learn along the way the things that... work for us in keeping us grounded, focussed, whole. Sure life always throws some shit our way and we get a little off kilter, that's part of living fully awake. But if we've got that grounding, we're like those big inflated clown things with the weight in the bottom, we blow around in the wind, even fall over, but we pop back up, ya know.

This last year, I stopped doing those things I know provide me with grounding. My life got busy, more demands, transitions, unknowns... and I just... slowly stopped feeding my Spirit. I so SO know better than this. I know what happens, and here I am... not quite whole, feeling a little lost, life out of focus, blurry.

Here's what I miss:

• getting my 5 workouts in a week - regularly, consistently - this is about showing respect for my body
• reflecting time... sometimes meditation, sometimes reading something to reinforce my chosen belief system, quiet peaceful time to breathe - alone!
• more outside time - earth energy is powerful, I need it, I know this, I've neglected it too long
• writing time - also something that has been... rushed, slipped in... it needs it's own space in the pie chart of my life
• one-on-one time with my babies... each of them so different, all full of life in the way only children know

I'm doing that counselling thing. I've done a few different types in my lifetime, for specific reasons, always highly successful in moving me forward. For me, it's a way of taking time to look at myself, my life, my direction.