"I want to know if you can be faithless, and therefore trustworthy"-from The Invitation by
Oriah Mountain Dreamer
Faithless: Willing to break an agreement previously made in order to be true to your own soul.
This is not an easy thing to do. Oriah says it's not "comfortable'.
She's right.
It isn't.
But, if we value truth in our lives, then there are times we have to make a decision to be true to ourselves even if another will see it as betrayal and be hurt. The alternative is to pretend you feel/want differently and betray yourself instead.
I can be faithless.
I do not take it lightly.
It has a price.
There is cost.
Sometimes a huge cost.
I would rather have a few impeccable relationships of depth and meaning than any in which I am required to compromise who I am or where pretense is the priority rather than substance. I want to stand in the fire, I want those I love to stand with me. There is no in between - either you will stand in the fire or you won't.
My goal is not to make things appear OK while burying the magnitude of hurt between us, it is to actually be OK. This cannot be accomplished by one person in a relationship, it requires both parties to be willing to truly see themselves and the other - in all our humanness - and work through the details that lead us back to OK.
I know that what you chose in that moment, and what you seem to be continuing to choose, came from a place of fear. I have compassion for the wounded soul that in those moments of trauma needed someone to blame because facing the reality was too much to carry. I can forgive that in those moments you chose to blame me. What I cannot understand is that you have not - now that time has passed since the trauma - reassessed... self assessed... investigated the facts to see if, perhaps, you judged too quickly and in contradiction to the truth.
And I know I have my own humanness, my own ways that are not for everyone, my own human failings. I believe my 'sins' as you listed them, are all things that could have been addressed quickly and easily with a simple conversation. I think your trouble with me is much less about these 'sins' and much more about fear of your own demons and, if you're honest with yourself, a lack of respect for who I am, which you are absolutely entitled to but have yet to own.
My perception is, I'm sure, very different than yours. From where I stand, you were judge, jury, and executioner to me without the benefit of any investigation into the assumptions you made or even the courtesy of a conversation with me about your concerns. Rather, you talked to others whom we both love about the conclusions you jumped to in a moment of fear. And you felt (feel?) justified in doing so. During that time and as a result of it, I was unwelcome in my own family, an outsider. You will either hold on to your blame - accurate or not - or you will desire our both investigating the truth - of the facts and of our mutual humanness.
So where does my being faithless come in? In order to be true to myself, I cannot continue to attend the big family functions and just... pretend. You seem to want to continue as if nothing has changed. For me, a great deal has changed. I saw a side of you that makes judgements in an instant without regard for fact or reality. I was discarded... collateral damage of the war you fight with your demons and/or a desperate attempt to hide from them.
While I knew the part of you that jumps to conclusions and loved you anyway, I had no idea you were capable of turning these conclusions into fact without turning back, without being willing to look at the details and the possibility of error. I find that scary. Knowing that, I do not trust you. Unless we choose to face this out loud together, I fully expect that when the alternative of facing some current challenge is too hard for you, I would once again be the scape goat, be thrown under the bus.
I am not capable of pretending and I do not want to teach my children that pretending is an acceptable choice when dealing with hurts in relationships. I am not willing to spend vacation times in a setting where I cannot freely be myself, where I feel unwelcome, not valued, not respected. My idea of family is quite different than that.
So, we will not be attending.
I'm still working through the fall out emotionally. I do not claim victory or righteousness. Far from it - this is all very sad. I do not hate you, nor do I wish you ill. I am hurt, still stunned at what strikes me as a shocking, mind boggling circumstance. I worked hard to not put you out of my heart. I'm still working on holding you in it - it will take time.
I stood in the center of the fire with you when others did not. I did not shrink back. I stood up when the pain in your life was so severe you could not. I sacrificed a great deal for you. You either see that, value that, or you don't. That fire is yours now.
Labels: Trying To Make Sense
